going away letters

When I moved back to New Mexico in 2005 I was leaving behind everything that had taken over ten years to become familiar. I left a marriage and a career and all my friends to come to a place where the only two people I knew were moving. I was excited and ready to make the move but also terrified! Before I left I had a "going away" party and asked my friends to bring sealed letters which I would open on an as needed basis should I feel sad or lonely in my new life. I opened a few of the letters shortly after I arrived but for some reason resisted them because even when I sometimes felt sad or lonely I was sure that there would be a time when I would feel more sad and more lonely and I wanted to have the letter when that day came. 

But then time started passing and I forgot about the letters until recently when a friend asked if I had opened all of them.

I found the large manilla envelope that I kept them in and decided to open them all at once. They made me feel very happy and a little nostalgic but even more than that, they made me recognize a pattern in my ways.

I have been known to buy the most beautiful, exotic, expensive piece of fruit, bring it home, display it on my table or counter in a pretty bowl or  a perfect plate and then proceed to watch it rot because I don't want to eat it because I don't want it to be gone. Or sometimes I might save my most delicious smelling bubble bath for so many years that eventually it loses it's sweet smell and turns funny, like old vegetable oil. Or similarly, I have a thing about being stocked up on toilet paper (to the tune of like, a minimum of 8 rolls) at any given time because I don't want to ever not have toilet paper when I need it....

I could go on and on with these neurosis. But I think it's pretty clear already.

So  after reading all the letters I realized that they would always be there for me to read should I ever feel sad or lonely so it was silly to have waited for so long to look at them. And then I thought about the fruit and the bath bubbles and the toilet paper and that whole absurd way of thinking about the good stuff and I decided life is just too short and that life is also so generous

with beauty that I don't need to worry about running out...