Saturday, March 12, 2011


This afternoon.
It has been so warm and sunny and it really feels like spring has arrived. It would not be at all unusual to get a last round of winter but for now we are just luxuriating (is that a word?) in the light and warmth...
Natanya really seems to enjoy being outside and everything is much easier for me without having to worry about bundling her up.
She is so full of wonder at everything that I get taken with her into wonderland. It's magic, the likes of which I'd forgotten. But it doesn't take much to bring me back.
And we just giggle and play and try new things... Grapes and ice and bananas and sweet potatoes.... Sticks and leaves and everything in the mouth... Those priceless expressions of first times and learning new things...

Oh, sweet spring! This year's miracle has come again!

She grows, I reflect...

As we all know, I was (surprisingly) among the last of my friends to have a child. As much as I always wanted a baby, there were times when I watched my mom friends have to leave the party early or wake up at some ungodly hour after not having left the party early enough, when I thought to myself, sheesh, what a drag...
And as much as I always wanted a baby I worried that I might not have the stamina for parenthood. I like and need my sleep! At least I used to. Need it I mean. I still like it but have come to realize that I can go for long, long stretches without enough of it...
And as much as I always wanted a baby, I secretly wondered about how selfless I would possibly be. I wondered if I would be able to maintain mommyness when other, maybe more fun stuff came along...

And now I understand something that I guess can only be understood by experience. The love and the overriding instinct to nurture and fulfillment from nurturing is constant. Mamma isn't something that you turn on or off or that comes and goes with mood or whim. It is just the steady baseline of existence when you've got a child, and there's nothing more important than the well being of that little person.

I'm so relieved that it's so easy to be constant. That it's like breathing to keep the baby safe and happy. I'm so relieved that I'm never at odds with what I want and what's required of me. Even when I'm the most exhausted tired I've ever known.

I do long for time sometimes. For art.
But then I think about the fact that this time is fleeting and that some day in the future, a future that gets closer by the second, I will have plenty of time and that I'll miss the amount of care and attention Natanya needs from me. I'll celebrate her independence but I know I will miss this particular kind of all encompassing, all consuming, all refueling closeness...

Saturday, March 5, 2011

a sort of silly ditty, an excuse to post pics of Natanya!!!

at rest
this love never tires
nor does it delay
always instant
in the moment
always more
along the way
this love does not expire
no limit to it's span
ever growing
somehow glowing
it doesn't need a master plan
this love is both the vessel
and the elixer within
the heartbeat
and the timeline
tracing everywhere i've been
this love is quite romantic
and it's really quite sublime
it's big enough to hold us all
throughout eternal time...