she fell asleep on her own. first time!

a little light feather

on the warm floor

a slight breeze moves it

from an open door

way over there

she sighs in sleep

i collect these moments

in memories...

Autumn

So hard to believe the seasons have all gone by and brought us back to autumn. Have I been dreaming, sleeping, somnombulizing?! But we are here and the leaves are singing; Orange, Red, Yellow, sometimes Green & mostly Brown. I sing back; tiny Fingers, tiny Toes, all those lovely little Folds!

Our home feels cozier than ever. The cold seems less menacing an adversary. This year will unwind to its final thread with joy and ease and carry us into the next...

It's been so long since I've had a cup of coffee that I almost don't remember how much I miss it. Or that evening cocktail after an especially tough day. I put on the kettle instead and drink some chamomile (good for the baby tummy). Or the late night dancing, out on the town which is now the pacing, burping, bouncing dance all day long. Every night is netflix night although we never actually make it to the movie before falling asleep, or if we manage to get it started we're asleep within five /ten minutes. Size 4-6 pants? Who wears those anyway?! Waking up feeling slightly depressed is something I can hardly imagine though I did just that for most of my life. Now it's waking way too early to a smiling face that fills my heart and my pulse with enerjoy!

I think I've never been healthier

or happier

ever.

It feels like it's been so long since I could just walk into my studio and work on a project. Any old idea that pops into my head. Instead I box up ideas and put them on the shelf and hope I remember what the shorthand means when I finally unpack them somewhere down the road.

And yet I mostly manage to feel fulfilled.

I long for communication though. The kind that takes time and quiet and space. It seems like it's been awhile since I've had those things. It's only been a few months though. And I can already feel that time and space opening up in front of me.

For now, with my little blog post, I feel fulfilled.

I guess all of this is just to say that as many times as I imaging having a child and what it would be like, I never anticipated all that would be missed or the degree of all that would be gained.

But feeling healthy and happy every day makes all that I miss seem meaningless.

Here we have arrived again at autumn.

It's raining light rain and the baby is sleeping. Jono is out tonight. The house is quiet but for the quiet hum of home noises and the tea is cool enough to sip....

the body is small

Though the body is small

it takes the whole spirit to inhabit

its dimensions

for a person to be whole

to be connected to this earth

this world of winds

this horizon

so far from heaven

You've come from so far

now you must unhitch your wings

and take the sting out from

beside your shoulders

fall into this new life

with the resounding sound

of whale songs

like thunder

come on home

my muse!

this is what i do during the snippets of Natanay's nap times. i don't brush my teeth or wash my face or return the emails/phone calls... that i most desperately need to tend to. i rush to cut up bits of faberic or paste together pieces of paper so i can have her wake to the magic that she inspires!
and when i'm not doing that, i'm laying or sitting beside her, watching in awe at how she moves and grows and smiles and frowns even as she sleeps...

there is plenty of other stuff going on around here too. jono and our friend tom have completely cleaned up the yard (including trimming trees and other major things). we've had birthdays and visitors and ups and downs of all sorts, but my mind and my heart and my attention are glued t my muse!!!

newly found this land

of quickening rivers

and unturned stones

the objects in my bag are

of no use here

where the sky is the only place

to lay things down

where the wind is the only voice

alive for long enough to know

your song

i carry you with me

your body a little cricket-worth of weight

a river rock rubbed smooth and shiny

the gift we all arrive here for;

the treasure too big for a pocket

too small for the world

so i protect you

with my big heart

like a giant bird; alert

while we navigate this new place

you coo little dove

you blossom

you bloom

you carry such sweet love

enough to fill the sky with

when you lay it down

newly found this land

of night time feasts

and moonlit days

there are no objects that will guide us

but the beating of the little heart

beside it's mother

is the path

lit with the blessing of the stars

We've (hopefully) come through to the other side of some intense stomach discomfort in Natanya's little belly.

After a couple of weeks of fairly regular throwing up we discovered that she's likely lactose intolerant. I've stopped eating all dairy (it's only been 3 days) which seems to be

working. I'm actually able to take a few minutes to post a blog and more importantly, Natanya seems much more comfortable.

She continues to grow and be more alert and interactive every day. Her hands are exquisite and expressive even in sleep! She's a very sensitive little girl which she expresses by reacting to light, sound and the energy of what goes on around her and she's extraordinary at receiving love and kisses!

Every day gets a little easier for all of us as we adjust to our new roles; life on earth and being parents...

time...

the time it takes to change a diaper

and to nurse for sustainance and to nurse for comfort

the time it takes to inspect a toe

or to watch the rise and fall of a tiny chest

the time it takes for sleep to become hunger and for satiety to become sleep

the time it takes for another day to have passed, certainly not 24 hours!

the time it takes for the rash to arrive and then to heal?

the time it takes for the eyes to open

for the umbilical cord to dry and fall away from the belly button

for the face to change again and again...

the time it takes before the first bath the first time outside the first walk to the mailbox the first...

the time it takes to know each expression, each turn of the wrist each stretch and yawn and quiver of lips

the time it takes to feel comfortable in the shower without her or even brushing teeth or having a simple, tiny little pee...

the time that evaporates and the time that extends

the time we made love and made this little person

who we love and who we admire and respect and enjoy...

the time that passes while i feel sad

the time that feels overwhelming

the time that feels like joy in bloom

the time little fingers curl around big fingers or find my chest or fall like butterflies against my ribcage...

the time spent thinking about all the other things i could/should be doing

the time spent being completely present and enjoying exactly what i'm doing

the time spent preparing and the time spent winging it

time in and out of the zone

the time zone of new baby

the heart zone of new time

time?

I can see already that any illusions I had about blogging and projects and (brushing my teeth) are on temporarary as time allows status.

I will do my best to share the cute, sweet love but please know that silence is no indication of anything other than an adjustment to this new time.

My god, even though I knew I'd love this little tiny girl, I never knew it was possible to love this much!!!