chrysalis

It's been so long since I've posted a blog that I'm having to remember how to navigate this thing.
But here I am, wanting to remember. Wanting to connect again with my little family here.
The night is cool, crickets singing while the garden grows and though I haven't got many songs to sing myself, my heart is full with the love I always carry and long to share.
I'm a different person now. Beginning to peek out from the immersion of motherhood and calling on my angels for guidance toward where ever it is that I might land. I was given a metaphor recently; A fish in a bird's nest. The call for a leap into the water from this place in the sky I've always flown. A push to free fall into the unknown without fear...
I've never taken a breath without my lungs before. At least not of my own choosing!
And so I ask all you fliers and swimmers in my life to care for me as I transform.

Christmas baby doll from mama!

It's almost bigger than she is so when she carries it around the house there is a lot of tripping over limbs and serious, concentrated negotiation... Natanya named her Gala and when they hug, my heart sings!

Works in progress

Work table. * note the new sewing machine!
Learning to knit!
The beginning of Natanya's new dress...
Embroidered book & poetry book
I can thread a bobbin and have 64 stitches to choose from on my new sewing machine. First projects will include stuffed animals and children's clothes and eventually I want to make sexy maternity clothes... There's a real need for the later!

Knitting- I've been putting it off for years & now is the time. Something I can stop and start without any trouble when the little bird chirps.

Books- my true love. Slow going but feeling inspired. Maybe sewn books?!

Possibilities....

Hello

Natanya sleeps in my arms. I'm not sure what to write about, but here's an opportunity to try at least say hello.

So much goes on.

I'm months behind in the baby book with bits of this and that stuffed inside to be glued in/expanded upon somewhere down the line... Piles of projects in the making fill my studio creating road blocks to even the most basic of supplies; glue, scissors, tape... Screens for the storm windows beckoning against the stroller in front of the fabric case behind the 6-9 month old bags of clothes.... A sink full of dishes from dinner last night and an assortment of toys artfully strewn across the floor...

And in the foreground, this baby girl who grows and gives and changes like the spring flowers all over town. As Jono says, it's so exciting as she shows us more and more who she is.

And love prevails. If I go through Natanya's entire childhood without having time to create a single new thing, I want it to go on record as being the most fertile and verdant time of my life!

Jono is fifty! We're having a gigantic party for him this Saturday. Pot luck bbq with a sno cone machine, a popcorn machine and music all day long... We're gearing up for over 100 people & hoping for a warm, clear day! I love a good party, especially one where I don't have to drive home at the end of it.

Our trip back east was really, really wonderful. Natanya manifested her inner gypsy and adapted to every new environment with curiosity and grace. Seeing family and seeing friends felt so good! I missed so many too so we'll just have to go back soon...

Mother's day, a holiday that I never put a lot of importance on, felt good I must admit! Natanya started calling me mama deliberately (not just as a lesson in making sounds) and it just about knocks my socks off! Is there anything I wouldn't do in response to that? NO!!

She's also quite adept at crawling, lifting herself up on anything she can and is ready to walk. Her words rest just below the surface, even emerging once in a while. She says dada, nana (for banana) and will mimic our words from time to time. Still no teeth. Our gummy wonder with a smile like the sun!

She stirs, begins to surface from the dream.

I will be ready

with a greeting

love, a smile

a kiss

I will be ready

to play.

SPRING!!!

This afternoon.

It has been so warm and sunny and it really feels like spring has arrived. It would not be at all unusual to get a last round of winter but for now we are just luxuriating (is that a word?) in the light and warmth...

Natanya really seems to enjoy being outside and everything is much easier for me without having to worry about bundling her up.

She is so full of wonder at everything that I get taken with her into wonderland. It's magic, the likes of which I'd forgotten. But it doesn't take much to bring me back.

And we just giggle and play and try new things... Grapes and ice and bananas and sweet potatoes.... Sticks and leaves and everything in the mouth... Those priceless expressions of first times and learning new things...

Oh, sweet spring! This year's miracle has come again!

She grows, I reflect...

As we all know, I was (surprisingly) among the last of my friends to have a child. As much as I always wanted a baby, there were times when I watched my mom friends have to leave the party early or wake up at some ungodly hour after not having left the party early enough, when I thought to myself, sheesh, what a drag...

And as much as I always wanted a baby I worried that I might not have the stamina for parenthood. I like and need my sleep! At least I used to. Need it I mean. I still like it but have come to realize that I can go for long, long stretches without enough of it...

And as much as I always wanted a baby, I secretly wondered about how selfless I would possibly be. I wondered if I would be able to maintain mommyness when other, maybe more fun stuff came along...

And now I understand something that I guess can only be understood by experience. The love and the overriding instinct to nurture and fulfillment from nurturing is constant. Mamma isn't something that you turn on or off or that comes and goes with mood or whim. It is just the steady baseline of existence when you've got a child, and there's nothing more important than the well being of that little person.

I'm so relieved that it's so easy to be constant. That it's like breathing to keep the baby safe and happy. I'm so relieved that I'm never at odds with what I want and what's required of me. Even when I'm the most exhausted tired I've ever known.

I do long for time sometimes. For art.

But then I think about the fact that this time is fleeting and that some day in the future, a future that gets closer by the second, I will have plenty of time and that I'll miss the amount of care and attention Natanya needs from me. I'll celebrate her independence but I know I will miss this particular kind of all encompassing, all consuming, all refueling closeness...

a sort of silly ditty, an excuse to post pics of Natanya!!!

at rest

this love never tires

nor does it delay

always instant

in the moment

always more

along the way

this love does not expire

no limit to it's span

ever growing

somehow glowing

it doesn't need a master plan

this love is both the vessel

and the elixer within

the heartbeat

and the timeline

tracing everywhere i've been

this love is quite romantic

and it's really quite sublime

it's big enough to hold us all

throughout eternal time...

good news!

Happy Valentines day (a day later) but still filled with love!

We went to the eye dr. this morning and while the visit was traumatic due to the non existent bedside manner of the dr. & his staff, the prognosis might be really good!

He thinks that Natanya's eyes are improving significantly with the patching that there is an outside possibility that after another 3 weeks of patching we may be able to

avoid the surgery. It was such a rushed visit that we still need to do a bit of research to fully understand the situation but the good news is that no matter what, her eyes are improving! That's where we'll focus our attention!

Jono left to begin his tour with John Popper & the Duskray Troubadours tonight. He'll be away for a month initially and then back for a month and then back on the road for about another month. It's kind of tough for our little family but it's exciting too. The single "Something Sweet" is already getting airplay and I'm optimistically anticipating huge success for the record which will come out on March 1st.

Natanya is becoming more and more coordinated and dextrous by the minute. She's loving blocks (mostly to chew on still) but is getting better and better with the small motor skills. She's pretty confident with the sitting up at this point and is rolling all the way over again and again with ease. She really would love to be crawling/walking/moving and occasionally gets frustrated with the things she knows are possible but that she can't quite do yet. She just gets happier and happier and brighter and brighter.

I'm finally getting some creative urges and have actually started a couple of projects. I'm getting used to the 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there schedule and amazingly I don't get annoyed when time is up and Natanya wants to play.

Overall I'd say the bliss continues to grow. It still amazes me!

Please visualize healing eyes and #1 hits !!!!

Valentines greetings

Gearing up for Valentine's day!

Never before have I known such pure sweetness and un-fractured love. Natanya's emotional response to things is really very inspirational to me. Very basic and very honest and completely based on the present moment at all times. She's a girl like me who seems to feel deeply and fully and dramatically about things and is totally expressive from the look on her face to the sound of her voice to the way she moves her body... Her smiles are full hearted and her tears are gigantic.

Mostly she's happy. She's become a great flirt (wonder where that comes from?!) and easily wins hearts at every turn.

So this year as I cut out little hearts and lengths of lace, my thoughts of love are inspired. I am trying to live and love like a child. Without fears. Without weight. With wonder and with joy!

And it's easy to do when I think of all of you; my dear, sweet, thoughtful, generous friends and family.

It's full of love

this heart of mine

so wont you be

my valentine?!

HAPPY, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY AND A HAPPY YEAR OF ENORMOUS LOVIN'

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

quick update with more to follow...

I've gotten three update requests in the last day and a half, an indication that I'm slacking!

So here's a copy of an email I sent out about 3 weeks ago:

There's alot going on here these days.

Jono came back from Italy & was very pleased that Natanya not only knew who he was but greeted him with a big, sweet smile in the middle of the night!

Natanya turned 6 months old! She's growing so quickly that every day is a new and exciting event... It's hard to even give examples because she's just very subtly growing up.

We had an appointment with an eye specialist in Albuquerque last Thursday who diagnosed her little crossed eye as being a particular type of "strabismus". It is a brain, eye communication issue which we will be able to fix with 3 weeks of putting an eye patch on her for two hours a day and then ultimately an operation on the muscles of both eyes. Needless to say, while we are very thankful that it's something that can be treated , Jono and I are going through a bit of an emotional tumbling-time. The surgery itself should only last for about 15 minutes or so and the recovery time should be between 3-6 hours. Our biggest concern is the anesthesia though when I am able to separate my head from my heart I'm able to reason my way through hysteria! Natanya is doing great and she's handling her eye patch in the mornings really well. The worst part for her seems to be when we put it on and even more when we pull it off. It's like a giant band aid so it hurts a little.

On a more exciting note, she had her first solid food on her birthday. We gave her a little taste of banana which she loved! The next day we gave her quite a bit more than on day one and she seemed to have a bit of a tummy ache throughout the day so on day three we gave her less again... So we're officially on to solids! Next is sweet potato.

Also, she's beginning to really show preferences for things. For example, she'll choose specific toys from her toy box or reach towards an object or a place or a person that she wants to touch (instead of just using her voice to communicate). She's becoming more and more responsive to games like "this little piggy" and "peek-a-boo". She can sit up but prefers to stand and will sometimes make her body completely rigid if you try to sit her down . She just gets more and more smiley and giggly and cuddly and adorable and as much as I expressed love for her in the last update, the love has continued to grow and grow and grow... I don't know how but it seems to be an endless spring.

She and Jono recorded their first song the other morning. He took the melody from one of her commonly used phrases and started to sing and play and she joined right in.

Time for some rest before our little one declares it's morning!

a more current post to come, i promise!

Burning the minutes

I'm burning the minutes while Jono packs for Italy.

So here are my most recent favorite photos.

Natanya with her tree dreams and playing music with her papa. I'm ready for a project to land inside my imagination. I'm ready to spend evenings while Natanya sleeps working on something creative. I'm calling for inspiration and opening myself up for its arrival. I keep thinking I need to come up with something that I can do with no hands and with no time to spare but I've come to the realization that maybe that's not entirely realistic! So the new approach is to trust and be patient and be ready when it comes...

I'm open to suggestions; materials, colors, words, desires, dreams, puzzles...

I've also been having thoughts about a new calling. Maybe something spiritual, helpful, therapeutic, magic... but again, I guess those things choose you more than you can choose them. I've got the door wide open is all I'm saying!!!

Weird thoughts. Weird post. Probably the kind of journaling one should keep in the book. Ha.

Anyway, Jono is off for the airport early in the a.m. so I'll go and interrupt his preparations to give him a kiss.

I love love!

HAPPY NEW YEAR

I've lost all track of time and of updates but that's only because time has become virtually irrelevant. Ultimate zen. Most enlightened master!!!

But Natanya's first Christmas seems record worthy. OH MY GOD WHAT FUN TO CELEBRATE WITH A BABY!!!! Even in her tinyness she was mesmerized by the magic. She saw her first fire in a fireplace, met new relatives, had her schedules totally disrupted, caught a cold (her first), LOVED opening presents and really got engaged with everything new...

I think that all the hubbub created a gigantic growth spurt. Not only is her body growing reallyreally fast but last night I woke two times to some funny, unusual little baby sounds and discovered that she had rolled over in her sleep and gotten stuck on her tummy. This morning when I opened the refrigerator to get milk for my cereal, she reached in and grabbed her teether right out of the door. She sits up propped up with pillows and laughs at the world (and my funny faces) until she gets hiccups! She sang Dust My Broom call and response style with Chris Smither the other morning and frequently sings while Jono plays the guitar... She loves being read to and is able to focus through whole books (board books). Her teething has become a very critical part of her daily engagement. LOTS of drool and really cute bibs... We're gearing up for the introduction of solid foods within the next month. Tomorrow is her 5 month birthday and she seems like such a big girl. We refer to last month as "when she was little" or "when she was a baby" which is so silly but so easy to do as we interact with our big, beautiful, growing child who has personality and can communicate so much so well...

I remember so clearly this time last year when I had her newly making her presence known inside me. How excited I felt and how happy I was. Now she sucks on her toes and makes sweet sounds and fills our home with an ever growing abundance of love.

I wish for us all a new year filled with this sense of rightness and okayness and readiness and sweetness. I wish for us all the rememberance of magic that the little ones exhibit every day. I wish for us all the patience that is required to love ourselves and each other properly, even when we feel tired, overwhelmed and empty. I wish for us all a sense of comfort and finally inspiration in all that we do. So it stays fresh and fun and new....

brrrrrrrrr

It's serious hunker down winter time around here. The heat's on, the warm woolens are out and the big socks are on! There's nothing more cozy than a little baby snuggling in though. Natanya has a funny little bald stripe (which I should take a picture of) across the back of her head because she uses her head as a rudder to scootch across the bed on. She loves to be close and warm and literally pushes us to the very edge of the bed every night.

My brain is mush but I don't really have to use it for much these days so it's okay. I've managed to sell a drawing which makes me feel good and also makes me feel some motivation to get back on track with trying to earn some extra dough from home. I'm taking suggestions and would welcome partnerships if anyone has any great ideas...

These times are amazing. Watching Natanya grow is more astonishing than anything I've witnessed before. I have always marveled at springtime and flowers and the way vegetables grow from seeds in the ground.... I have always been amazed by the sky and the sea and the relationships between everything, always finding connections....

But this is altogether something new. This tiny being who came from even tinier tinyness just grows and opens up and unfolds like magic. The little systems start to work better and better. The little bones and ligaments and all the other parts that make the body work, they all grow in unison.... I had an overwhelmed moment earlier on when I felt afraid that I was not equipped to keep her safe and healthy because she was having digestive issues that were a little scary and the voice in my head said, "Don't be afraid, just watch with awe." and so that's what I try to do. I try to watch. With awe.

And it's truly awesome!

And when I feel overwhelmed I imagine that I'm an aspen tree. Aspens are known for their shimmery leaves that seem to glisten and quake in the wind. I imagine the fear as being the quaky movement and then pull myself into the trunk. The lovely trunk. So strong and also flexible. And then I feel my roots holding me steady with the support of the deep dirt-earth.

It helps me stay calm and then I can watch with awe.

Jono continues to be superman. He's had work in the studio and he's kept the home feeling organized too. He's picked up all my slack without complaint. In fact, I've never known him to be happier. It's been an incredible experience for me to have this steady bass line during the time when I've had less time/energy/ability to be the controlling, type A person that I sometimes tend to be.

So all's well

even though it's way too cold outside!

she fell asleep on her own. first time!

a little light feather

on the warm floor

a slight breeze moves it

from an open door

way over there

she sighs in sleep

i collect these moments

in memories...

Autumn

So hard to believe the seasons have all gone by and brought us back to autumn. Have I been dreaming, sleeping, somnombulizing?! But we are here and the leaves are singing; Orange, Red, Yellow, sometimes Green & mostly Brown. I sing back; tiny Fingers, tiny Toes, all those lovely little Folds!

Our home feels cozier than ever. The cold seems less menacing an adversary. This year will unwind to its final thread with joy and ease and carry us into the next...

It's been so long since I've had a cup of coffee that I almost don't remember how much I miss it. Or that evening cocktail after an especially tough day. I put on the kettle instead and drink some chamomile (good for the baby tummy). Or the late night dancing, out on the town which is now the pacing, burping, bouncing dance all day long. Every night is netflix night although we never actually make it to the movie before falling asleep, or if we manage to get it started we're asleep within five /ten minutes. Size 4-6 pants? Who wears those anyway?! Waking up feeling slightly depressed is something I can hardly imagine though I did just that for most of my life. Now it's waking way too early to a smiling face that fills my heart and my pulse with enerjoy!

I think I've never been healthier

or happier

ever.

It feels like it's been so long since I could just walk into my studio and work on a project. Any old idea that pops into my head. Instead I box up ideas and put them on the shelf and hope I remember what the shorthand means when I finally unpack them somewhere down the road.

And yet I mostly manage to feel fulfilled.

I long for communication though. The kind that takes time and quiet and space. It seems like it's been awhile since I've had those things. It's only been a few months though. And I can already feel that time and space opening up in front of me.

For now, with my little blog post, I feel fulfilled.

I guess all of this is just to say that as many times as I imaging having a child and what it would be like, I never anticipated all that would be missed or the degree of all that would be gained.

But feeling healthy and happy every day makes all that I miss seem meaningless.

Here we have arrived again at autumn.

It's raining light rain and the baby is sleeping. Jono is out tonight. The house is quiet but for the quiet hum of home noises and the tea is cool enough to sip....

the body is small

Though the body is small

it takes the whole spirit to inhabit

its dimensions

for a person to be whole

to be connected to this earth

this world of winds

this horizon

so far from heaven

You've come from so far

now you must unhitch your wings

and take the sting out from

beside your shoulders

fall into this new life

with the resounding sound

of whale songs

like thunder

come on home

my muse!

this is what i do during the snippets of Natanay's nap times. i don't brush my teeth or wash my face or return the emails/phone calls... that i most desperately need to tend to. i rush to cut up bits of faberic or paste together pieces of paper so i can have her wake to the magic that she inspires!
and when i'm not doing that, i'm laying or sitting beside her, watching in awe at how she moves and grows and smiles and frowns even as she sleeps...

there is plenty of other stuff going on around here too. jono and our friend tom have completely cleaned up the yard (including trimming trees and other major things). we've had birthdays and visitors and ups and downs of all sorts, but my mind and my heart and my attention are glued t my muse!!!

newly found this land

of quickening rivers

and unturned stones

the objects in my bag are

of no use here

where the sky is the only place

to lay things down

where the wind is the only voice

alive for long enough to know

your song

i carry you with me

your body a little cricket-worth of weight

a river rock rubbed smooth and shiny

the gift we all arrive here for;

the treasure too big for a pocket

too small for the world

so i protect you

with my big heart

like a giant bird; alert

while we navigate this new place

you coo little dove

you blossom

you bloom

you carry such sweet love

enough to fill the sky with

when you lay it down

newly found this land

of night time feasts

and moonlit days

there are no objects that will guide us

but the beating of the little heart

beside it's mother

is the path

lit with the blessing of the stars

We've (hopefully) come through to the other side of some intense stomach discomfort in Natanya's little belly.

After a couple of weeks of fairly regular throwing up we discovered that she's likely lactose intolerant. I've stopped eating all dairy (it's only been 3 days) which seems to be

working. I'm actually able to take a few minutes to post a blog and more importantly, Natanya seems much more comfortable.

She continues to grow and be more alert and interactive every day. Her hands are exquisite and expressive even in sleep! She's a very sensitive little girl which she expresses by reacting to light, sound and the energy of what goes on around her and she's extraordinary at receiving love and kisses!

Every day gets a little easier for all of us as we adjust to our new roles; life on earth and being parents...

time...

the time it takes to change a diaper

and to nurse for sustainance and to nurse for comfort

the time it takes to inspect a toe

or to watch the rise and fall of a tiny chest

the time it takes for sleep to become hunger and for satiety to become sleep

the time it takes for another day to have passed, certainly not 24 hours!

the time it takes for the rash to arrive and then to heal?

the time it takes for the eyes to open

for the umbilical cord to dry and fall away from the belly button

for the face to change again and again...

the time it takes before the first bath the first time outside the first walk to the mailbox the first...

the time it takes to know each expression, each turn of the wrist each stretch and yawn and quiver of lips

the time it takes to feel comfortable in the shower without her or even brushing teeth or having a simple, tiny little pee...

the time that evaporates and the time that extends

the time we made love and made this little person

who we love and who we admire and respect and enjoy...

the time that passes while i feel sad

the time that feels overwhelming

the time that feels like joy in bloom

the time little fingers curl around big fingers or find my chest or fall like butterflies against my ribcage...

the time spent thinking about all the other things i could/should be doing

the time spent being completely present and enjoying exactly what i'm doing

the time spent preparing and the time spent winging it

time in and out of the zone

the time zone of new baby

the heart zone of new time

time?

I can see already that any illusions I had about blogging and projects and (brushing my teeth) are on temporarary as time allows status.

I will do my best to share the cute, sweet love but please know that silence is no indication of anything other than an adjustment to this new time.

My god, even though I knew I'd love this little tiny girl, I never knew it was possible to love this much!!!