HAPPY NEW YEAR

I've lost all track of time and of updates but that's only because time has become virtually irrelevant. Ultimate zen. Most enlightened master!!!

But Natanya's first Christmas seems record worthy. OH MY GOD WHAT FUN TO CELEBRATE WITH A BABY!!!! Even in her tinyness she was mesmerized by the magic. She saw her first fire in a fireplace, met new relatives, had her schedules totally disrupted, caught a cold (her first), LOVED opening presents and really got engaged with everything new...

I think that all the hubbub created a gigantic growth spurt. Not only is her body growing reallyreally fast but last night I woke two times to some funny, unusual little baby sounds and discovered that she had rolled over in her sleep and gotten stuck on her tummy. This morning when I opened the refrigerator to get milk for my cereal, she reached in and grabbed her teether right out of the door. She sits up propped up with pillows and laughs at the world (and my funny faces) until she gets hiccups! She sang Dust My Broom call and response style with Chris Smither the other morning and frequently sings while Jono plays the guitar... She loves being read to and is able to focus through whole books (board books). Her teething has become a very critical part of her daily engagement. LOTS of drool and really cute bibs... We're gearing up for the introduction of solid foods within the next month. Tomorrow is her 5 month birthday and she seems like such a big girl. We refer to last month as "when she was little" or "when she was a baby" which is so silly but so easy to do as we interact with our big, beautiful, growing child who has personality and can communicate so much so well...

I remember so clearly this time last year when I had her newly making her presence known inside me. How excited I felt and how happy I was. Now she sucks on her toes and makes sweet sounds and fills our home with an ever growing abundance of love.

I wish for us all a new year filled with this sense of rightness and okayness and readiness and sweetness. I wish for us all the rememberance of magic that the little ones exhibit every day. I wish for us all the patience that is required to love ourselves and each other properly, even when we feel tired, overwhelmed and empty. I wish for us all a sense of comfort and finally inspiration in all that we do. So it stays fresh and fun and new....

brrrrrrrrr

It's serious hunker down winter time around here. The heat's on, the warm woolens are out and the big socks are on! There's nothing more cozy than a little baby snuggling in though. Natanya has a funny little bald stripe (which I should take a picture of) across the back of her head because she uses her head as a rudder to scootch across the bed on. She loves to be close and warm and literally pushes us to the very edge of the bed every night.

My brain is mush but I don't really have to use it for much these days so it's okay. I've managed to sell a drawing which makes me feel good and also makes me feel some motivation to get back on track with trying to earn some extra dough from home. I'm taking suggestions and would welcome partnerships if anyone has any great ideas...

These times are amazing. Watching Natanya grow is more astonishing than anything I've witnessed before. I have always marveled at springtime and flowers and the way vegetables grow from seeds in the ground.... I have always been amazed by the sky and the sea and the relationships between everything, always finding connections....

But this is altogether something new. This tiny being who came from even tinier tinyness just grows and opens up and unfolds like magic. The little systems start to work better and better. The little bones and ligaments and all the other parts that make the body work, they all grow in unison.... I had an overwhelmed moment earlier on when I felt afraid that I was not equipped to keep her safe and healthy because she was having digestive issues that were a little scary and the voice in my head said, "Don't be afraid, just watch with awe." and so that's what I try to do. I try to watch. With awe.

And it's truly awesome!

And when I feel overwhelmed I imagine that I'm an aspen tree. Aspens are known for their shimmery leaves that seem to glisten and quake in the wind. I imagine the fear as being the quaky movement and then pull myself into the trunk. The lovely trunk. So strong and also flexible. And then I feel my roots holding me steady with the support of the deep dirt-earth.

It helps me stay calm and then I can watch with awe.

Jono continues to be superman. He's had work in the studio and he's kept the home feeling organized too. He's picked up all my slack without complaint. In fact, I've never known him to be happier. It's been an incredible experience for me to have this steady bass line during the time when I've had less time/energy/ability to be the controlling, type A person that I sometimes tend to be.

So all's well

even though it's way too cold outside!

she fell asleep on her own. first time!

a little light feather

on the warm floor

a slight breeze moves it

from an open door

way over there

she sighs in sleep

i collect these moments

in memories...

Autumn

So hard to believe the seasons have all gone by and brought us back to autumn. Have I been dreaming, sleeping, somnombulizing?! But we are here and the leaves are singing; Orange, Red, Yellow, sometimes Green & mostly Brown. I sing back; tiny Fingers, tiny Toes, all those lovely little Folds!

Our home feels cozier than ever. The cold seems less menacing an adversary. This year will unwind to its final thread with joy and ease and carry us into the next...

It's been so long since I've had a cup of coffee that I almost don't remember how much I miss it. Or that evening cocktail after an especially tough day. I put on the kettle instead and drink some chamomile (good for the baby tummy). Or the late night dancing, out on the town which is now the pacing, burping, bouncing dance all day long. Every night is netflix night although we never actually make it to the movie before falling asleep, or if we manage to get it started we're asleep within five /ten minutes. Size 4-6 pants? Who wears those anyway?! Waking up feeling slightly depressed is something I can hardly imagine though I did just that for most of my life. Now it's waking way too early to a smiling face that fills my heart and my pulse with enerjoy!

I think I've never been healthier

or happier

ever.

It feels like it's been so long since I could just walk into my studio and work on a project. Any old idea that pops into my head. Instead I box up ideas and put them on the shelf and hope I remember what the shorthand means when I finally unpack them somewhere down the road.

And yet I mostly manage to feel fulfilled.

I long for communication though. The kind that takes time and quiet and space. It seems like it's been awhile since I've had those things. It's only been a few months though. And I can already feel that time and space opening up in front of me.

For now, with my little blog post, I feel fulfilled.

I guess all of this is just to say that as many times as I imaging having a child and what it would be like, I never anticipated all that would be missed or the degree of all that would be gained.

But feeling healthy and happy every day makes all that I miss seem meaningless.

Here we have arrived again at autumn.

It's raining light rain and the baby is sleeping. Jono is out tonight. The house is quiet but for the quiet hum of home noises and the tea is cool enough to sip....

the body is small

Though the body is small

it takes the whole spirit to inhabit

its dimensions

for a person to be whole

to be connected to this earth

this world of winds

this horizon

so far from heaven

You've come from so far

now you must unhitch your wings

and take the sting out from

beside your shoulders

fall into this new life

with the resounding sound

of whale songs

like thunder

come on home

my muse!

this is what i do during the snippets of Natanay's nap times. i don't brush my teeth or wash my face or return the emails/phone calls... that i most desperately need to tend to. i rush to cut up bits of faberic or paste together pieces of paper so i can have her wake to the magic that she inspires!
and when i'm not doing that, i'm laying or sitting beside her, watching in awe at how she moves and grows and smiles and frowns even as she sleeps...

there is plenty of other stuff going on around here too. jono and our friend tom have completely cleaned up the yard (including trimming trees and other major things). we've had birthdays and visitors and ups and downs of all sorts, but my mind and my heart and my attention are glued t my muse!!!

newly found this land

of quickening rivers

and unturned stones

the objects in my bag are

of no use here

where the sky is the only place

to lay things down

where the wind is the only voice

alive for long enough to know

your song

i carry you with me

your body a little cricket-worth of weight

a river rock rubbed smooth and shiny

the gift we all arrive here for;

the treasure too big for a pocket

too small for the world

so i protect you

with my big heart

like a giant bird; alert

while we navigate this new place

you coo little dove

you blossom

you bloom

you carry such sweet love

enough to fill the sky with

when you lay it down

newly found this land

of night time feasts

and moonlit days

there are no objects that will guide us

but the beating of the little heart

beside it's mother

is the path

lit with the blessing of the stars

We've (hopefully) come through to the other side of some intense stomach discomfort in Natanya's little belly.

After a couple of weeks of fairly regular throwing up we discovered that she's likely lactose intolerant. I've stopped eating all dairy (it's only been 3 days) which seems to be

working. I'm actually able to take a few minutes to post a blog and more importantly, Natanya seems much more comfortable.

She continues to grow and be more alert and interactive every day. Her hands are exquisite and expressive even in sleep! She's a very sensitive little girl which she expresses by reacting to light, sound and the energy of what goes on around her and she's extraordinary at receiving love and kisses!

Every day gets a little easier for all of us as we adjust to our new roles; life on earth and being parents...

time...

the time it takes to change a diaper

and to nurse for sustainance and to nurse for comfort

the time it takes to inspect a toe

or to watch the rise and fall of a tiny chest

the time it takes for sleep to become hunger and for satiety to become sleep

the time it takes for another day to have passed, certainly not 24 hours!

the time it takes for the rash to arrive and then to heal?

the time it takes for the eyes to open

for the umbilical cord to dry and fall away from the belly button

for the face to change again and again...

the time it takes before the first bath the first time outside the first walk to the mailbox the first...

the time it takes to know each expression, each turn of the wrist each stretch and yawn and quiver of lips

the time it takes to feel comfortable in the shower without her or even brushing teeth or having a simple, tiny little pee...

the time that evaporates and the time that extends

the time we made love and made this little person

who we love and who we admire and respect and enjoy...

the time that passes while i feel sad

the time that feels overwhelming

the time that feels like joy in bloom

the time little fingers curl around big fingers or find my chest or fall like butterflies against my ribcage...

the time spent thinking about all the other things i could/should be doing

the time spent being completely present and enjoying exactly what i'm doing

the time spent preparing and the time spent winging it

time in and out of the zone

the time zone of new baby

the heart zone of new time

time?

I can see already that any illusions I had about blogging and projects and (brushing my teeth) are on temporarary as time allows status.

I will do my best to share the cute, sweet love but please know that silence is no indication of anything other than an adjustment to this new time.

My god, even though I knew I'd love this little tiny girl, I never knew it was possible to love this much!!!

UPDATE:

more middle of the night musings....

i want to be alone with you

no crowds no other voices

some day soon

we'll touch again

we'll drown out all the other noises

i sit and miss the way your hair moves

just a little in the breeze

the home you've never known

my arms are wide

to tend to all your needs

and there's a little space

a little time left

in between the place of growing

and the place of showing us your face

in between us there's a small dark path

if we both start moving we will meet at last

i want to see the sky with you

follow your eyes to the farthest star

where you've been, we'll go again

on wings and things

made from the finest in my heart

i lay here dreaming

of your palm, the size of petals

sweet as early summer's roses bloom

your cheek a magic picture window

your breathing, filling up the room

but there's still a little space

a little time left

in between the place of growing

and the place of showing us your face

in between us there's a small dark path

now if we both start moving we will meet at last

diapers on the clothes line

I call these Natanya flowers because I had an incredible experience involving a labyrinth, a windy day, two little birds, visions of my daughter and a single stem of these flowers (palmer penstemon). A few days later they showed up in my yard. They are a wild flower with an incredible aroma and they have beautiful stems and leaves and flowers. Today when I finished hanging up the diapers I noticed a little bee flying in and out and all around... Beautiful summer, wondrous world. Time for a popsicle!!!
I figured I'd take a picture of the diapers which today fill me up with a sense of joy and romantic imagining because I'm pretty sure I''ll never feel this way about hanging diapers on the clothesline again!

exhale

is what the rain says

though the skylight leaks

below the new roof

into the room

and my breath feels stuck

inside my chest at midnight

come on, breathe!

call for help in morning

after rest

before the farmers market

and the swimming pool

shhhh

there's another side to this

somewhere near

it's dry enough for fireworks

imagine,

someone out there found a way

to dodge the downpour

and send out

a spark

inhale

is what the rain sings

take this opportunity to practice

surrender

giving time and space

to all that enters

making room

for what comes next

exhale

putting up work on etsy

http://www.cd112298.etsy.com/

starlight, starbright

36 weeks and ready!

We're all set! Natanya's room is ready for her. We've finished our birthing classes (birthing from within; HIGHLY RECOMMENDED).

I've got all the supplies for a home birth waiting to be put to use. Natanya grows and grows by the second and at almost 40 pounds heavier than I've ever been with an expected 10 to go during the last month I'd say my legs and hips are ready for the event. Jono and I are sorting out all the upcoming changes beautifully I think and now it's just a matter of weeks and days and minutes
and seconds...

I'm officially finished with work for the time being. A strange feeling as I've never not worked in my life. I've found that emotionally, the things that both Jono and I are giving up and taking on in preparation for the immediate and indefinite future are surprisingly easy and surprisingly difficult too.

But mostly there is joy. Intense, unwavering, amazing joy.

I'm going to be making things and posting more and more on etsy and I'm hoping to have time to work on a children's line of clothing, blankets, burp cloths, mobiles etc. to sell in a local baby store here in Santa Fe. My dream is make enough dough with my artwork that I'll be able to stay home with Natanya for as long as possible...

Jono is on the road this week. A mini tour in Arizona and hopefully a last hurrah/inward journey while still pre-baby independent. I too am hoping for some inward reflection and some outward FUN this week. If I can stay up past 8:00 I might even indulge in some grown up style socializing!!!

As I watch the progress of friends with children it becomes clear that each stage of parenting happens so quickly. The kids grow up so fast. I'm trying to focus on being present and focused on the NOW of it all (including every moment of pregnancy) because even these last 36 weeks seem to have evaporated. I can hardly believe that another round of birthdays have gone by and that there are graduations happening and milestones being stepped right over by legs that are no longer dimpled at the knees... jeeez louise!!!

And for now, we're over here, 36 weeks and ready. For everything.

a little happy thought while i should be working...

at home in the wild
of new day air
a breaking wave still
unimagined
on the straight line of horizon

out there in the midst
where heaven touches
the soft place below your palm
where the heart beats
and the stars fall

i see something coming
the shape of wings
while i shed one skin
and climb into another
preparing for a dance
who's tempo, who's lyric
has not yet been played

we are all here
we three around a fire
the logs sing and burn
our feet on the earth
and our hearts like kites
round with the breath of life
soaring high

at home in the wild
of new day's light
a bursting forth, a birth
gathering form
against the soft line of horizon

Kerry's photos

http://www.photoshelter.com/c/sherck/gallery/Maternity-Portraits/G0000nSqharoAIss/

I hope this works. if not I'll try again...

Baby Shower!

*What wonderful friends I have! Kerry made and sent out 30 invitations while in the midst of moving from CT to SANTA FE! She and Larkin planned and put together a very beautiful and fairly non-traditional baby shower and about 25 of the 30 people were able to come...

*Two of those people were Ali and her son Charlie who came as a surprise at 11:30 the night before the shower from NYC AND Ali had dozens of H&H bagels shipped out here! (very funny story!)

* Kerry and Larkin made home made truffles to give people as party favors and people brought fruit salads, champagne for mimosas (sigh), there were lox and deviled eggs and cookies and other varieties of deliciousness...

*Larkin initiated a sort of blessing/wish ceremony where everyone had brought a special bead which they tied around a lavender sachet saying a wish for me as they filled the sachet and a wish for Natanya as the tied it closed with the strung bead. After the shower, I strung them all together and will hang them from the bedposts when I'm giving birth.

*Natanya received many beautiful, thoughtful gifts, all of which were things that I love! I was thinking that it's going to be a little tough for me when she's old enough to open her own presents!!!

Not only did we get practical things which we will surely need but Natanya got a few personalized art pieces for the beginnings of her art collection!

*The day was perfect. The first flowers opened up in the yard the day before. The sky was blue and everyone was happy... Not having ever had a baby shower before I didn't know what to expect but it was totally completely wonderful...

*Thank you everybody who was here for the love and gifts and kind words and wishes. And also thank you everyone who was not here who have been sending love and gifts and kind words and wishes all along!

a field of daisies

all little wings

on the glass

a whisper inside me

says "welcome"

to all the world

she is the most

verdant garden

the ripest fruits

of summer's basket

she is the bird

who can carry

all your songs

she roams while I sleep

from the milky way

and back

to the path of home

all pockets full of wind

come pour yourself

within these walls

a knock at my door

is your invitation

no keys, no locks

the curtains moving.

she is the turtle

inside the hand of my heart

growing like a flower

a field of daisies

a universe of stars

she is time

all you remember

all you have forgotten

a motion

like the sea

not bound by any moon

her own tides

her own deep magic

sands of seashells

an ancient rhythm

an invitation

the color of rain

Mother's day!

As I lay in bed this morning, waking up slowly, having dreamy thoughts about how it will be years before I will be able to laze in bed late having dreamy thoughts

As I listened to the sounds of Jono leaving and coming back with groceries for a spectacular french toast breakfast with fresh mango and strawberries

As I watched the sun fill up the bedroom and contemplated my life as it has been, as it is and as it will be

I realized in a flood of joy that what I have is all I've ever wanted.

I am truly happy. From the heart and the soul and from the mysterious poetry of my DNA which has sung and spun and whispered and hollered it's desires from the beginning...

When I came downstairs and saw the flowers, found the 70 degree air, was kissed and loved from the inside and the outside all at once

When I got my very first ever mother's day greetings from the world

When I looked at the computer and found mother's day stories, experiences and wishes from other mother's who I love so much

I realized in a flood of pleasure that my fortune is great to be where I am, when I am, surrounded by the very best of people, the very best of wonderful mamas & the very best of loving friends and family.

I wish the best for all of us. The sons and the daughters who become the mamas and the papas...

And I'm grateful for the help and the reminders that the ups and downs are a part of it all. (wink, wink Cami!)

opening

The evening was a great success! The gallery was packed, the walls look great and the weather was perfect for courtyard music and noshing... I didn't sell anything but the prices are way high because 50% goes to the gallery. Two people (one of whom I had never met before) were moved to tears which was a home run as far as I'm concerned!

I was really nervous to the point of near hyperventilation and stomach trauma before going to the gallery but once it was all happening I was fine. I had forgotten what stage fright does to me!

Someone, I'd love to know who, was thoughtful enough not only to send flowers but to send them from Natanya. Very sweet! Thank you anonymous!!

I found a great children's store in town that sells only organic and mostly local. Once the show is over I'm going to see if they'd like to carry some of my artwork and maybe even some blanket/burp cloth/clothing items if I can accumulate enough to make a go of it...

All very inspiring and reaffirming. My studio calls....

full moon in scorpio...

waking moon

you wield your light like fierce weaponry

burning down the wall

interrogating me with questions

i cannot answer

crazy making moon

i'm with you, as if in shackles

bound by tired mind

a rambling din of voices

like strings on a puppet

tethered to your swollen glow

Help me to spill

to open up into the sea of sleeping

where on other nights

you calmly watch

your soft eyes

collecting dreams

let go and move the oceans

there is time

beneath your craggy surface

take a breath

and let us rest

before the sun comes

waking moon

your perfect circle is a tunnel

beckoning

crazy making moon

show me your other hand

the one who's fingers soothe

who's palm

against my eyelids

quiets the dawn

learning new technology!

Jono and I figured out how to make this very basic music video which I hope will enhance advertising for the upcoming show...

The song is the first of the picture poems that Jono put to music and I absolutely love it!

It's so much fun to be able to collaborate and I can't wait for the rest of the songs to be recorded so we can start the next phase of the project...

I've got so many ideas in my head right now that I'm almost paralyzed when it comes to starting anything but I can just feel it, the floodgates are about to explode!!!

some favorite pics

The last two weeks were busy wit house guests. First, my parents came and we had a really great visit. They arrived just in time for the beginning of spring weather and we ate and shopped and did a bunch of springtime yard work... The day they left, my friend Kerry arrived. She's moving to Santa Fe and came for a whirlwind week of apartment hunting (she found a great one!) before going back to CT to pack and drive back out ... Again, a very pleasant visit with lots of eating and warm sunshine.

Another positive byproduct of having a full house was that we got some great family pictures! The oval mirror shots of me and my iphone were missing out on the bigger picture!

My father gave Annette a new camera for Christmas which she was eager to try out (especially from the grandma standpoint!!!) and Kerry, though she had to use my layman's camera takes really great photo's every time.

So here are a few of my favorites...

Here ya go Cami...

5 1/2 months. A little more. This pic does my thighs and bottom a ton of justice! It's ALL getting bigger. And better! soon I'll post more project pictures (including Annie's wrapping fabric burp cloths).

So far Natanya responds to music and moves a lot when we play rock and roll. A natural response to sound but I can't help but imagine that it's in the genes! On both sides!

The house is back in order and nesting is extremely happening .

I got my drawings back from the framer and they look really good all fancied up. The show will open on May 7th and I'm so glad I was so well prepared. I didn't choose 10 images as originally planned but went ahead and got everything framed, including the images I blew up and embellished. 42 in total!

Lots of good, exciting stuff going on and and lots of wonderful support from wonderful friends...

And of course, despite the continued snow fall, SPRING is in the air.

YIPPEE.