chrysalis

It's been so long since I've posted a blog that I'm having to remember how to navigate this thing.
But here I am, wanting to remember. Wanting to connect again with my little family here.
The night is cool, crickets singing while the garden grows and though I haven't got many songs to sing myself, my heart is full with the love I always carry and long to share.
I'm a different person now. Beginning to peek out from the immersion of motherhood and calling on my angels for guidance toward where ever it is that I might land. I was given a metaphor recently; A fish in a bird's nest. The call for a leap into the water from this place in the sky I've always flown. A push to free fall into the unknown without fear...
I've never taken a breath without my lungs before. At least not of my own choosing!
And so I ask all you fliers and swimmers in my life to care for me as I transform.

Christmas baby doll from mama!

It's almost bigger than she is so when she carries it around the house there is a lot of tripping over limbs and serious, concentrated negotiation... Natanya named her Gala and when they hug, my heart sings!

Works in progress

Work table. * note the new sewing machine!
Learning to knit!
The beginning of Natanya's new dress...
Embroidered book & poetry book
I can thread a bobbin and have 64 stitches to choose from on my new sewing machine. First projects will include stuffed animals and children's clothes and eventually I want to make sexy maternity clothes... There's a real need for the later!

Knitting- I've been putting it off for years & now is the time. Something I can stop and start without any trouble when the little bird chirps.

Books- my true love. Slow going but feeling inspired. Maybe sewn books?!

Possibilities....

Hello

Natanya sleeps in my arms. I'm not sure what to write about, but here's an opportunity to try at least say hello.

So much goes on.

I'm months behind in the baby book with bits of this and that stuffed inside to be glued in/expanded upon somewhere down the line... Piles of projects in the making fill my studio creating road blocks to even the most basic of supplies; glue, scissors, tape... Screens for the storm windows beckoning against the stroller in front of the fabric case behind the 6-9 month old bags of clothes.... A sink full of dishes from dinner last night and an assortment of toys artfully strewn across the floor...

And in the foreground, this baby girl who grows and gives and changes like the spring flowers all over town. As Jono says, it's so exciting as she shows us more and more who she is.

And love prevails. If I go through Natanya's entire childhood without having time to create a single new thing, I want it to go on record as being the most fertile and verdant time of my life!

Jono is fifty! We're having a gigantic party for him this Saturday. Pot luck bbq with a sno cone machine, a popcorn machine and music all day long... We're gearing up for over 100 people & hoping for a warm, clear day! I love a good party, especially one where I don't have to drive home at the end of it.

Our trip back east was really, really wonderful. Natanya manifested her inner gypsy and adapted to every new environment with curiosity and grace. Seeing family and seeing friends felt so good! I missed so many too so we'll just have to go back soon...

Mother's day, a holiday that I never put a lot of importance on, felt good I must admit! Natanya started calling me mama deliberately (not just as a lesson in making sounds) and it just about knocks my socks off! Is there anything I wouldn't do in response to that? NO!!

She's also quite adept at crawling, lifting herself up on anything she can and is ready to walk. Her words rest just below the surface, even emerging once in a while. She says dada, nana (for banana) and will mimic our words from time to time. Still no teeth. Our gummy wonder with a smile like the sun!

She stirs, begins to surface from the dream.

I will be ready

with a greeting

love, a smile

a kiss

I will be ready

to play.

SPRING!!!

This afternoon.

It has been so warm and sunny and it really feels like spring has arrived. It would not be at all unusual to get a last round of winter but for now we are just luxuriating (is that a word?) in the light and warmth...

Natanya really seems to enjoy being outside and everything is much easier for me without having to worry about bundling her up.

She is so full of wonder at everything that I get taken with her into wonderland. It's magic, the likes of which I'd forgotten. But it doesn't take much to bring me back.

And we just giggle and play and try new things... Grapes and ice and bananas and sweet potatoes.... Sticks and leaves and everything in the mouth... Those priceless expressions of first times and learning new things...

Oh, sweet spring! This year's miracle has come again!

She grows, I reflect...

As we all know, I was (surprisingly) among the last of my friends to have a child. As much as I always wanted a baby, there were times when I watched my mom friends have to leave the party early or wake up at some ungodly hour after not having left the party early enough, when I thought to myself, sheesh, what a drag...

And as much as I always wanted a baby I worried that I might not have the stamina for parenthood. I like and need my sleep! At least I used to. Need it I mean. I still like it but have come to realize that I can go for long, long stretches without enough of it...

And as much as I always wanted a baby, I secretly wondered about how selfless I would possibly be. I wondered if I would be able to maintain mommyness when other, maybe more fun stuff came along...

And now I understand something that I guess can only be understood by experience. The love and the overriding instinct to nurture and fulfillment from nurturing is constant. Mamma isn't something that you turn on or off or that comes and goes with mood or whim. It is just the steady baseline of existence when you've got a child, and there's nothing more important than the well being of that little person.

I'm so relieved that it's so easy to be constant. That it's like breathing to keep the baby safe and happy. I'm so relieved that I'm never at odds with what I want and what's required of me. Even when I'm the most exhausted tired I've ever known.

I do long for time sometimes. For art.

But then I think about the fact that this time is fleeting and that some day in the future, a future that gets closer by the second, I will have plenty of time and that I'll miss the amount of care and attention Natanya needs from me. I'll celebrate her independence but I know I will miss this particular kind of all encompassing, all consuming, all refueling closeness...

a sort of silly ditty, an excuse to post pics of Natanya!!!

at rest

this love never tires

nor does it delay

always instant

in the moment

always more

along the way

this love does not expire

no limit to it's span

ever growing

somehow glowing

it doesn't need a master plan

this love is both the vessel

and the elixer within

the heartbeat

and the timeline

tracing everywhere i've been

this love is quite romantic

and it's really quite sublime

it's big enough to hold us all

throughout eternal time...