FOR THE LOVE OF PAPER

Christmas baby doll from mama!

2011-12-31T23:45:00.002-07:00

It's almost bigger than she is so when she carries it around the house there is a lot of tripping over limbs and serious, concentrated negotiation... Natanya named her Gala and when they hug, my heart sings!

And a few more stories...

2011-12-31T23:42:00.000-07:00

Happy new year!!!

2011-12-31T23:32:00.003-07:00

sO MUCH! Pictures tell a lot so I'll leave it to the images to tell the stories because tonight I don't have a story in me. The baby is mostly little girl now. A million stories a day. I can barely keep up! So, so much amazing fun and mystery.... So much!

WINTER!

2011-11-09T20:02:00.003-07:00

...and the winds came down from the north, carrying icicles in their teeth and snowflakes on their mittens. Little Natanya awoke to a whole new world, one unlike anything she was able to remember in her 15 months of life on earth. "What is this white stuff doing on my rock? Why can't I see anything from underneath this wooly, earflap fiasco of a hat? What in the world has enveloped my fingers? Is this for real?!"
"Well, I can stand up in this little cloud of a jacket so I suppose everything is going to be all right..."

"...but wait, where's the milk? How will I ever get to my milk without exposed flesh being flashed in front of me 24/7? I best go off and learn to forage in the deep wilderness of this strange facsimile of my yard..."
And then the sun peeked out from behind the vast expanse of grey illuminating the day just enough to tame the winds and expose small portions of familiarity. Improved vision. exposed flesh, milk ahead.... "This isn't so bad. Lets play!!!"

Halloween

2011-11-09T19:27:00.004-07:00

Jono and Natanya went out and chose two pumpkins. One big enough to ride and another smaller one for easy carrying around...
She loved scooping out the goop!
The glow in the dark bones on her pajamas were distracting and kind of uncomfortable when it finally came to be time for bed. She was definitely into the mystery though!
We never did carve a face into our pumpkin but our friend mark dropped this one off (with a candle inside and everything). Natanya kind of loves this face, giving kisses and searching the inside for more delectable gushy gloppy goo to pull out...

early autumn

2011-11-09T19:17:00.003-07:00

Seasons changing, warmer clothes, growing, learning, HAPPY!
Loving books, auntie Kerry and dressing up. All sparkles,charming, big time girl. Lucky mama!!
Best of all, love of self. Many slurpy cooing kisses followed this photo...

Works in progress

2011-09-17T22:55:00.003-06:00

Work table. * note the new sewing machine!
Learning to knit!
The beginning of Natanya's new dress...
Embroidered book & poetry book
I can thread a bobbin and have 64 stitches to choose from on my new sewing machine. First projects will include stuffed animals and children's clothes and eventually I want to make sexy maternity clothes... There's a real need for the later!

Knitting- I've been putting it off for years & now is the time. Something I can stop and start without any trouble when the little bird chirps.

Books- my true love. Slow going but feeling inspired. Maybe sewn books?!

Possibilities....

THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU

2011-09-17T21:26:00.002-06:00

The last apple from our apple tree.
New shoes from Nana Deirdre.
ooo lala!
The gem of a person that is Natanya continues to grow as does the love that she expresses for all of life in the most joyous and unexpected ways. She finds pleasure in most things and shares her enthusiasm with the world...

It's a constant eye opener for me to watch with awe as she becomes more and more able to express herself. Likes and dislikes, comforts and discomforts, preferences in abundance...

I don't for a second take for granted the fact that she is someone that I truly like as well as love. My greatest pleasure is the smile on her face and it seems that she smiles most when those around her are smiling too.

What great fortune we have in our home. My family is warm and secure and dynamic and sweet.

The other morning, Jono was singing and playing and Natanya was singing along. I remembered the 20 year old me who had a gigantic crush on Jono who at the time viewed me as a "very intense" girl of little consequence. I thought, If I could have shown the picture of my life now to that 20 year old girl I would have been so incredibly happy and would have probably been able to avoid many years of different forms of angst knowing that one day I would be living a life that looked like this one!

Not only do I have all this but we are also a million times blessed with a family of incredible friends who add light to the light. Support to the branch. Love to the love!

And this is still only the beginning....

family portrait

2011-09-17T21:08:00.001-06:00

Legos to come....

2011-08-04T21:11:00.004-06:00

Natanya's first birthday present!

We stayed with friends in New York who have two children and got to see what Natanya's toy preferences were. The kitchen and the large Lego's were by far the number ones!

We decided to get her the kitchen for her birthday present but we didn't tell her so that it would be a surprise;). It arrived in a big box yesterday and Jono and I stayed up until 1:00 am assembling. We removed her baby play area and replaced it with the brand new one year old state of the art deluxe kitchen area! This morning when she woke up she was so happy and got right to work preparing and sharing various snacks...

We invited her friend Chloe over , who was equally as impressed, and the two of them noshed on plastic bananas and invisible delicacies all afternoon.

All the wicky wack bizaro screws and alan wrenching were totally worth it!

I guess the next major purchase will be Lego's...

first birthday!!!

2011-08-02T21:29:00.002-06:00

The first year went by like so many have said it would; in the blink of an eye!

Natanya and Jono and I have all had a most incredible first year. As individuals and as a family we have all grown so much in so many ways.

When I look at Natanya I see a happy person which is my primary goal as a parent. Her smile is so genuinely full of joy and her growing independence so free of weight. She shines and so I shine!

I was thinking that we've made it through so many firsts together and realized that for Natanya, the majority of her experience so far has been firsts. The wonder is palpable as she takes it all in. She seems to be a person who is capable of both leaping without looking and being extremely cautious as she decides what feels right and what seems comfortable. I hope she maintains both of those virtues as she grows... Her great gift has been communication from the very beginning. She seldom feels the frustration (so far) that many pre verbal children feel because she is very good at expressing her wants and needs and questions and opinions. Again, qualities that will be great tools in her life. She is good natured and sweet and outgoing and she still feels most comfortable in the arms of her mama and papa. From her safe perch she will address the world with a great big smile and a boisterous HI! She's been called "The Ambassador of Good Will" and lives up to the label.

I could not love her more nor could I be more proud of her.

Jono has lived up to the call of manhood that having a little baby and a family thrives inside of. He has maintained the steady baseline that keeps us all on track despite lack of sleep or new parent anxiety or grumpy mama mornings or overworked papa moods or needy baby days... He is a playful, fun, devoted, demonstrative, loving, adoring papa and Natanya responds accordingly. She loves him so much and watching the two of them together is among my most treasured experiences. Jono keeps me laughing and he reminds me to lighten up when I slide into times of micro management or unnecessary rigidity...

He is my dream and I'm thankful for him every day.

And me, my how I've grown. As Natanya's birthday approached I began to recall those last days of pregnancy and those many hours of labor and I kept having images caterpillars and cocoons and butterflies. Maybe it's because I've read The Very Hungry Caterpillar way too many times! But I think it has more to do with the fact that we really do change that dramatically when we become parents. I feel as though, like a snake, I've shed a skin and grown a new one. My body has changed. My moods have changed. My values have shifted. My heart has become so big that it has broken the cage of my chest and multiplies all around me every day...

My family is the most important thing to me and my extended family is more at the forefront of my consciousness than it has ever been. My friends are the people who are still here even though I'm no longer wearing that other skin. I am happy. I am contented. I feel fulfilled. I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and there's a searching place in me that no longer gnaws at my soul. The creativity in me is more like a friend than a mania (which could be it's own blog post) and I feel relieved that the muse has not left, she's just contented and so she doesn't pull my hair when I'm sleeping or play hide and seek to get my attention...

I still get way too uptight sometimes and I still make mountains out of molehills occasionally but now I can let things go. They come and they go and I somehow don't need to hang on to a mood or be carried away.

I love these wings

these gifts from my family

these gifts from the center of woman

these gifts...

Happy first year to all of us but especially to Natanya who is doing an incredible job growing in every way!!!

PS

2011-05-18T14:03:00.000-06:00

I love you!

Hello

2011-05-18T13:16:00.004-06:00

Natanya sleeps in my arms. I'm not sure what to write about, but here's an opportunity to try at least say hello.

So much goes on.

I'm months behind in the baby book with bits of this and that stuffed inside to be glued in/expanded upon somewhere down the line... Piles of projects in the making fill my studio creating road blocks to even the most basic of supplies; glue, scissors, tape... Screens for the storm windows beckoning against the stroller in front of the fabric case behind the 6-9 month old bags of clothes.... A sink full of dishes from dinner last night and an assortment of toys artfully strewn across the floor...

And in the foreground, this baby girl who grows and gives and changes like the spring flowers all over town. As Jono says, it's so exciting as she shows us more and more who she is.

And love prevails. If I go through Natanya's entire childhood without having time to create a single new thing, I want it to go on record as being the most fertile and verdant time of my life!

Jono is fifty! We're having a gigantic party for him this Saturday. Pot luck bbq with a sno cone machine, a popcorn machine and music all day long... We're gearing up for over 100 people & hoping for a warm, clear day! I love a good party, especially one where I don't have to drive home at the end of it.

Our trip back east was really, really wonderful. Natanya manifested her inner gypsy and adapted to every new environment with curiosity and grace. Seeing family and seeing friends felt so good! I missed so many too so we'll just have to go back soon...

Mother's day, a holiday that I never put a lot of importance on, felt good I must admit! Natanya started calling me mama deliberately (not just as a lesson in making sounds) and it just about knocks my socks off! Is there anything I wouldn't do in response to that? NO!!

She's also quite adept at crawling, lifting herself up on anything she can and is ready to walk. Her words rest just below the surface, even emerging once in a while. She says dada, nana (for banana) and will mimic our words from time to time. Still no teeth. Our gummy wonder with a smile like the sun!

She stirs, begins to surface from the dream.

I will be ready

with a greeting

love, a smile

a kiss

I will be ready

to play.

SPRING!!!

2011-03-12T22:41:00.003-07:00

This afternoon.

It has been so warm and sunny and it really feels like spring has arrived. It would not be at all unusual to get a last round of winter but for now we are just luxuriating (is that a word?) in the light and warmth...

Natanya really seems to enjoy being outside and everything is much easier for me without having to worry about bundling her up.

She is so full of wonder at everything that I get taken with her into wonderland. It's magic, the likes of which I'd forgotten. But it doesn't take much to bring me back.

And we just giggle and play and try new things... Grapes and ice and bananas and sweet potatoes.... Sticks and leaves and everything in the mouth... Those priceless expressions of first times and learning new things...

Oh, sweet spring! This year's miracle has come again!

She grows, I reflect...

2011-03-12T22:19:00.002-07:00

As we all know, I was (surprisingly) among the last of my friends to have a child. As much as I always wanted a baby, there were times when I watched my mom friends have to leave the party early or wake up at some ungodly hour after not having left the party early enough, when I thought to myself, sheesh, what a drag...

And as much as I always wanted a baby I worried that I might not have the stamina for parenthood. I like and need my sleep! At least I used to. Need it I mean. I still like it but have come to realize that I can go for long, long stretches without enough of it...

And as much as I always wanted a baby, I secretly wondered about how selfless I would possibly be. I wondered if I would be able to maintain mommyness when other, maybe more fun stuff came along...

And now I understand something that I guess can only be understood by experience. The love and the overriding instinct to nurture and fulfillment from nurturing is constant. Mamma isn't something that you turn on or off or that comes and goes with mood or whim. It is just the steady baseline of existence when you've got a child, and there's nothing more important than the well being of that little person.

I'm so relieved that it's so easy to be constant. That it's like breathing to keep the baby safe and happy. I'm so relieved that I'm never at odds with what I want and what's required of me. Even when I'm the most exhausted tired I've ever known.

I do long for time sometimes. For art.

But then I think about the fact that this time is fleeting and that some day in the future, a future that gets closer by the second, I will have plenty of time and that I'll miss the amount of care and attention Natanya needs from me. I'll celebrate her independence but I know I will miss this particular kind of all encompassing, all consuming, all refueling closeness...

a sort of silly ditty, an excuse to post pics of Natanya!!!

2011-03-05T22:07:00.003-07:00

at rest

this love never tires

nor does it delay

always instant

in the moment

always more

along the way

this love does not expire

no limit to it's span

ever growing

somehow glowing

it doesn't need a master plan

this love is both the vessel

and the elixer within

the heartbeat

and the timeline

tracing everywhere i've been

this love is quite romantic

and it's really quite sublime

it's big enough to hold us all

throughout eternal time...

good news!

2011-02-15T20:29:00.000-07:00

Happy Valentines day (a day later) but still filled with love!

We went to the eye dr. this morning and while the visit was traumatic due to the non existent bedside manner of the dr. & his staff, the prognosis might be really good!

He thinks that Natanya's eyes are improving significantly with the patching that there is an outside possibility that after another 3 weeks of patching we may be able to

avoid the surgery. It was such a rushed visit that we still need to do a bit of research to fully understand the situation but the good news is that no matter what, her eyes are improving! That's where we'll focus our attention!

Jono left to begin his tour with John Popper & the Duskray Troubadours tonight. He'll be away for a month initially and then back for a month and then back on the road for about another month. It's kind of tough for our little family but it's exciting too. The single "Something Sweet" is already getting airplay and I'm optimistically anticipating huge success for the record which will come out on March 1st.

Natanya is becoming more and more coordinated and dextrous by the minute. She's loving blocks (mostly to chew on still) but is getting better and better with the small motor skills. She's pretty confident with the sitting up at this point and is rolling all the way over again and again with ease. She really would love to be crawling/walking/moving and occasionally gets frustrated with the things she knows are possible but that she can't quite do yet. She just gets happier and happier and brighter and brighter.

I'm finally getting some creative urges and have actually started a couple of projects. I'm getting used to the 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there schedule and amazingly I don't get annoyed when time is up and Natanya wants to play.

Overall I'd say the bliss continues to grow. It still amazes me!

Please visualize healing eyes and #1 hits !!!!

Valentines greetings

2011-02-12T21:45:00.002-07:00

Gearing up for Valentine's day!

Never before have I known such pure sweetness and un-fractured love. Natanya's emotional response to things is really very inspirational to me. Very basic and very honest and completely based on the present moment at all times. She's a girl like me who seems to feel deeply and fully and dramatically about things and is totally expressive from the look on her face to the sound of her voice to the way she moves her body... Her smiles are full hearted and her tears are gigantic.

Mostly she's happy. She's become a great flirt (wonder where that comes from?!) and easily wins hearts at every turn.

So this year as I cut out little hearts and lengths of lace, my thoughts of love are inspired. I am trying to live and love like a child. Without fears. Without weight. With wonder and with joy!

And it's easy to do when I think of all of you; my dear, sweet, thoughtful, generous friends and family.

It's full of love

this heart of mine

so wont you be

my valentine?!

HAPPY, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY AND A HAPPY YEAR OF ENORMOUS LOVIN'

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

quick update with more to follow...

2011-02-12T15:28:00.007-07:00

I've gotten three update requests in the last day and a half, an indication that I'm slacking!

So here's a copy of an email I sent out about 3 weeks ago:

There's alot going on here these days.

Jono came back from Italy & was very pleased that Natanya not only knew who he was but greeted him with a big, sweet smile in the middle of the night!

Natanya turned 6 months old! She's growing so quickly that every day is a new and exciting event... It's hard to even give examples because she's just very subtly growing up.

We had an appointment with an eye specialist in Albuquerque last Thursday who diagnosed her little crossed eye as being a particular type of "strabismus". It is a brain, eye communication issue which we will be able to fix with 3 weeks of putting an eye patch on her for two hours a day and then ultimately an operation on the muscles of both eyes. Needless to say, while we are very thankful that it's something that can be treated , Jono and I are going through a bit of an emotional tumbling-time. The surgery itself should only last for about 15 minutes or so and the recovery time should be between 3-6 hours. Our biggest concern is the anesthesia though when I am able to separate my head from my heart I'm able to reason my way through hysteria! Natanya is doing great and she's handling her eye patch in the mornings really well. The worst part for her seems to be when we put it on and even more when we pull it off. It's like a giant band aid so it hurts a little.

On a more exciting note, she had her first solid food on her birthday. We gave her a little taste of banana which she loved! The next day we gave her quite a bit more than on day one and she seemed to have a bit of a tummy ache throughout the day so on day three we gave her less again... So we're officially on to solids! Next is sweet potato.

Also, she's beginning to really show preferences for things. For example, she'll choose specific toys from her toy box or reach towards an object or a place or a person that she wants to touch (instead of just using her voice to communicate). She's becoming more and more responsive to games like "this little piggy" and "peek-a-boo". She can sit up but prefers to stand and will sometimes make her body completely rigid if you try to sit her down . She just gets more and more smiley and giggly and cuddly and adorable and as much as I expressed love for her in the last update, the love has continued to grow and grow and grow... I don't know how but it seems to be an endless spring.

She and Jono recorded their first song the other morning. He took the melody from one of her commonly used phrases and started to sing and play and she joined right in.

Time for some rest before our little one declares it's morning!

a more current post to come, i promise!

PS

2011-01-05T22:42:00.001-07:00

Burning the minutes

2011-01-05T22:05:00.002-07:00

I'm burning the minutes while Jono packs for Italy.

So here are my most recent favorite photos.

Natanya with her tree dreams and playing music with her papa. I'm ready for a project to land inside my imagination. I'm ready to spend evenings while Natanya sleeps working on something creative. I'm calling for inspiration and opening myself up for its arrival. I keep thinking I need to come up with something that I can do with no hands and with no time to spare but I've come to the realization that maybe that's not entirely realistic! So the new approach is to trust and be patient and be ready when it comes...

I'm open to suggestions; materials, colors, words, desires, dreams, puzzles...

I've also been having thoughts about a new calling. Maybe something spiritual, helpful, therapeutic, magic... but again, I guess those things choose you more than you can choose them. I've got the door wide open is all I'm saying!!!

Weird thoughts. Weird post. Probably the kind of journaling one should keep in the book. Ha.

Anyway, Jono is off for the airport early in the a.m. so I'll go and interrupt his preparations to give him a kiss.

I love love!

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2010-12-27T22:40:00.004-07:00

I've lost all track of time and of updates but that's only because time has become virtually irrelevant. Ultimate zen. Most enlightened master!!!

But Natanya's first Christmas seems record worthy. OH MY GOD WHAT FUN TO CELEBRATE WITH A BABY!!!! Even in her tinyness she was mesmerized by the magic. She saw her first fire in a fireplace, met new relatives, had her schedules totally disrupted, caught a cold (her first), LOVED opening presents and really got engaged with everything new...

I think that all the hubbub created a gigantic growth spurt. Not only is her body growing reallyreally fast but last night I woke two times to some funny, unusual little baby sounds and discovered that she had rolled over in her sleep and gotten stuck on her tummy. This morning when I opened the refrigerator to get milk for my cereal, she reached in and grabbed her teether right out of the door. She sits up propped up with pillows and laughs at the world (and my funny faces) until she gets hiccups! She sang Dust My Broom call and response style with Chris Smither the other morning and frequently sings while Jono plays the guitar... She loves being read to and is able to focus through whole books (board books). Her teething has become a very critical part of her daily engagement. LOTS of drool and really cute bibs... We're gearing up for the introduction of solid foods within the next month. Tomorrow is her 5 month birthday and she seems like such a big girl. We refer to last month as "when she was little" or "when she was a baby" which is so silly but so easy to do as we interact with our big, beautiful, growing child who has personality and can communicate so much so well...

I remember so clearly this time last year when I had her newly making her presence known inside me. How excited I felt and how happy I was. Now she sucks on her toes and makes sweet sounds and fills our home with an ever growing abundance of love.

I wish for us all a new year filled with this sense of rightness and okayness and readiness and sweetness. I wish for us all the rememberance of magic that the little ones exhibit every day. I wish for us all the patience that is required to love ourselves and each other properly, even when we feel tired, overwhelmed and empty. I wish for us all a sense of comfort and finally inspiration in all that we do. So it stays fresh and fun and new....

2010-12-07T19:55:00.004-07:00

woke today at 3 am to this little face. no more energy for writing. no more words. but look! i just want to reach out and touch my friends a little and to share the happy love...

pink coat

2010-11-04T20:34:00.002-06:00

Our little baby girl has not pooped in 5 days and she still manages to smile! And she looks positively adorable in her big pink coat (if you ask me)!

The end.

brrrrrrrrr

2010-10-27T21:28:00.002-06:00

It's serious hunker down winter time around here. The heat's on, the warm woolens are out and the big socks are on! There's nothing more cozy than a little baby snuggling in though. Natanya has a funny little bald stripe (which I should take a picture of) across the back of her head because she uses her head as a rudder to scootch across the bed on. She loves to be close and warm and literally pushes us to the very edge of the bed every night.

My brain is mush but I don't really have to use it for much these days so it's okay. I've managed to sell a drawing which makes me feel good and also makes me feel some motivation to get back on track with trying to earn some extra dough from home. I'm taking suggestions and would welcome partnerships if anyone has any great ideas...

These times are amazing. Watching Natanya grow is more astonishing than anything I've witnessed before. I have always marveled at springtime and flowers and the way vegetables grow from seeds in the ground.... I have always been amazed by the sky and the sea and the relationships between everything, always finding connections....

But this is altogether something new. This tiny being who came from even tinier tinyness just grows and opens up and unfolds like magic. The little systems start to work better and better. The little bones and ligaments and all the other parts that make the body work, they all grow in unison.... I had an overwhelmed moment earlier on when I felt afraid that I was not equipped to keep her safe and healthy because she was having digestive issues that were a little scary and the voice in my head said, "Don't be afraid, just watch with awe." and so that's what I try to do. I try to watch. With awe.

And it's truly awesome!

And when I feel overwhelmed I imagine that I'm an aspen tree. Aspens are known for their shimmery leaves that seem to glisten and quake in the wind. I imagine the fear as being the quaky movement and then pull myself into the trunk. The lovely trunk. So strong and also flexible. And then I feel my roots holding me steady with the support of the deep dirt-earth.

It helps me stay calm and then I can watch with awe.

Jono continues to be superman. He's had work in the studio and he's kept the home feeling organized too. He's picked up all my slack without complaint. In fact, I've never known him to be happier. It's been an incredible experience for me to have this steady bass line during the time when I've had less time/energy/ability to be the controlling, type A person that I sometimes tend to be.

So all's well

even though it's way too cold outside!

she fell asleep on her own. first time!

2010-10-20T21:34:00.004-06:00

a little light feather

on the warm floor

a slight breeze moves it

from an open door

way over there

she sighs in sleep

i collect these moments

in memories...

12 weeks

2010-10-20T20:30:00.001-06:00

Autumn

2010-10-18T19:33:00.002-06:00

So hard to believe the seasons have all gone by and brought us back to autumn. Have I been dreaming, sleeping, somnombulizing?! But we are here and the leaves are singing; Orange, Red, Yellow, sometimes Green & mostly Brown. I sing back; tiny Fingers, tiny Toes, all those lovely little Folds!

Our home feels cozier than ever. The cold seems less menacing an adversary. This year will unwind to its final thread with joy and ease and carry us into the next...

It's been so long since I've had a cup of coffee that I almost don't remember how much I miss it. Or that evening cocktail after an especially tough day. I put on the kettle instead and drink some chamomile (good for the baby tummy). Or the late night dancing, out on the town which is now the pacing, burping, bouncing dance all day long. Every night is netflix night although we never actually make it to the movie before falling asleep, or if we manage to get it started we're asleep within five /ten minutes. Size 4-6 pants? Who wears those anyway?! Waking up feeling slightly depressed is something I can hardly imagine though I did just that for most of my life. Now it's waking way too early to a smiling face that fills my heart and my pulse with enerjoy!

I think I've never been healthier

or happier

ever.

It feels like it's been so long since I could just walk into my studio and work on a project. Any old idea that pops into my head. Instead I box up ideas and put them on the shelf and hope I remember what the shorthand means when I finally unpack them somewhere down the road.

And yet I mostly manage to feel fulfilled.

I long for communication though. The kind that takes time and quiet and space. It seems like it's been awhile since I've had those things. It's only been a few months though. And I can already feel that time and space opening up in front of me.

For now, with my little blog post, I feel fulfilled.

I guess all of this is just to say that as many times as I imaging having a child and what it would be like, I never anticipated all that would be missed or the degree of all that would be gained.

But feeling healthy and happy every day makes all that I miss seem meaningless.

Here we have arrived again at autumn.

It's raining light rain and the baby is sleeping. Jono is out tonight. The house is quiet but for the quiet hum of home noises and the tea is cool enough to sip....

Happy Birthday!

2010-10-07T20:45:00.001-06:00

September 28, 2010

the body is small

2010-10-07T20:41:00.001-06:00

Though the body is small

it takes the whole spirit to inhabit

its dimensions

for a person to be whole

to be connected to this earth

this world of winds

this horizon

so far from heaven

You've come from so far

now you must unhitch your wings

and take the sting out from

beside your shoulders

fall into this new life

with the resounding sound

of whale songs

like thunder

come on home

my muse!

2010-09-13T13:53:00.003-06:00

this is what i do during the snippets of Natanay's nap times. i don't brush my teeth or wash my face or return the emails/phone calls... that i most desperately need to tend to. i rush to cut up bits of faberic or paste together pieces of paper so i can have her wake to the magic that she inspires!
and when i'm not doing that, i'm laying or sitting beside her, watching in awe at how she moves and grows and smiles and frowns even as she sleeps...

there is plenty of other stuff going on around here too. jono and our friend tom have completely cleaned up the yard (including trimming trees and other major things). we've had birthdays and visitors and ups and downs of all sorts, but my mind and my heart and my attention are glued t my muse!!!

2010-09-08T21:07:00.001-06:00

newly found this land

of quickening rivers

and unturned stones

the objects in my bag are

of no use here

where the sky is the only place

to lay things down

where the wind is the only voice

alive for long enough to know

your song

i carry you with me

your body a little cricket-worth of weight

a river rock rubbed smooth and shiny

the gift we all arrive here for;

the treasure too big for a pocket

too small for the world

so i protect you

with my big heart

like a giant bird; alert

while we navigate this new place

you coo little dove

you blossom

you bloom

you carry such sweet love

enough to fill the sky with

when you lay it down

newly found this land

of night time feasts

and moonlit days

there are no objects that will guide us

but the beating of the little heart

beside it's mother

is the path

lit with the blessing of the stars

Annie!

2010-08-31T14:05:00.002-06:00

Your incredibly beautiful set of mugs and bowls came on a particularly rough day and we didn't get to opening the box until very late in the evening. it was such a great surprise and I can't express how happy and touched I am to have these pieces created by you on Natanya's birthday. I was wondering how to go about getting some of your work for our home and I guess it was just a matter of waiting until the pieces you made were ours!!!

I/we love them. & I love you.

Thank you!

2010-08-31T13:54:00.003-06:00

We've (hopefully) come through to the other side of some intense stomach discomfort in Natanya's little belly.

After a couple of weeks of fairly regular throwing up we discovered that she's likely lactose intolerant. I've stopped eating all dairy (it's only been 3 days) which seems to be

working. I'm actually able to take a few minutes to post a blog and more importantly, Natanya seems much more comfortable.

She continues to grow and be more alert and interactive every day. Her hands are exquisite and expressive even in sleep! She's a very sensitive little girl which she expresses by reacting to light, sound and the energy of what goes on around her and she's extraordinary at receiving love and kisses!

Every day gets a little easier for all of us as we adjust to our new roles; life on earth and being parents...

Natanya dreams

2010-08-10T15:29:00.002-06:00

2 days old

time...

2010-08-10T10:23:00.003-06:00

the time it takes to change a diaper

and to nurse for sustainance and to nurse for comfort

the time it takes to inspect a toe

or to watch the rise and fall of a tiny chest

the time it takes for sleep to become hunger and for satiety to become sleep

the time it takes for another day to have passed, certainly not 24 hours!

the time it takes for the rash to arrive and then to heal?

the time it takes for the eyes to open

for the umbilical cord to dry and fall away from the belly button

for the face to change again and again...

the time it takes before the first bath the first time outside the first walk to the mailbox the first...

the time it takes to know each expression, each turn of the wrist each stretch and yawn and quiver of lips

the time it takes to feel comfortable in the shower without her or even brushing teeth or having a simple, tiny little pee...

the time that evaporates and the time that extends

the time we made love and made this little person

who we love and who we admire and respect and enjoy...

the time that passes while i feel sad

the time that feels overwhelming

the time that feels like joy in bloom

the time little fingers curl around big fingers or find my chest or fall like butterflies against my ribcage...

the time spent thinking about all the other things i could/should be doing

the time spent being completely present and enjoying exactly what i'm doing

the time spent preparing and the time spent winging it

time in and out of the zone

the time zone of new baby

the heart zone of new time

time?

I can see already that any illusions I had about blogging and projects and (brushing my teeth) are on temporarary as time allows status.

I will do my best to share the cute, sweet love but please know that silence is no indication of anything other than an adjustment to this new time.

My god, even though I knew I'd love this little tiny girl, I never knew it was possible to love this much!!!

UPDATE:

2010-07-26T09:25:00.000-06:00

more middle of the night musings....

2010-07-14T12:26:00.001-06:00

i want to be alone with you

no crowds no other voices

some day soon

we'll touch again

we'll drown out all the other noises

i sit and miss the way your hair moves

just a little in the breeze

the home you've never known

my arms are wide

to tend to all your needs

and there's a little space

a little time left

in between the place of growing

and the place of showing us your face

in between us there's a small dark path

if we both start moving we will meet at last

i want to see the sky with you

follow your eyes to the farthest star

where you've been, we'll go again

on wings and things

made from the finest in my heart

i lay here dreaming

of your palm, the size of petals

sweet as early summer's roses bloom

your cheek a magic picture window

your breathing, filling up the room

but there's still a little space

a little time left

in between the place of growing

and the place of showing us your face

in between us there's a small dark path

now if we both start moving we will meet at last

diapers on the clothes line

2010-07-04T12:51:00.003-06:00

I call these Natanya flowers because I had an incredible experience involving a labyrinth, a windy day, two little birds, visions of my daughter and a single stem of these flowers (palmer penstemon). A few days later they showed up in my yard. They are a wild flower with an incredible aroma and they have beautiful stems and leaves and flowers. Today when I finished hanging up the diapers I noticed a little bee flying in and out and all around... Beautiful summer, wondrous world. Time for a popsicle!!!
I figured I'd take a picture of the diapers which today fill me up with a sense of joy and romantic imagining because I'm pretty sure I''ll never feel this way about hanging diapers on the clothesline again!

2010-07-03T00:59:00.000-06:00

exhale

is what the rain says

though the skylight leaks

below the new roof

into the room

and my breath feels stuck

inside my chest at midnight

come on, breathe!

call for help in morning

after rest

before the farmers market

and the swimming pool

shhhh

there's another side to this

somewhere near

it's dry enough for fireworks

imagine,

someone out there found a way

to dodge the downpour

and send out

a spark

inhale

is what the rain sings

take this opportunity to practice

surrender

giving time and space

to all that enters

making room

for what comes next

exhale

putting up work on etsy

2010-06-25T12:38:00.002-06:00

http://www.cd112298.etsy.com/

starlight, starbright

2010-06-23T15:20:00.002-06:00

36 weeks and ready!

2010-06-22T10:14:00.002-06:00

We're all set! Natanya's room is ready for her. We've finished our birthing classes (birthing from within; HIGHLY RECOMMENDED).

I've got all the supplies for a home birth waiting to be put to use. Natanya grows and grows by the second and at almost 40 pounds heavier than I've ever been with an expected 10 to go during the last month I'd say my legs and hips are ready for the event. Jono and I are sorting out all the upcoming changes beautifully I think and now it's just a matter of weeks and days and minutes
and seconds...

I'm officially finished with work for the time being. A strange feeling as I've never not worked in my life. I've found that emotionally, the things that both Jono and I are giving up and taking on in preparation for the immediate and indefinite future are surprisingly easy and surprisingly difficult too.

But mostly there is joy. Intense, unwavering, amazing joy.

I'm going to be making things and posting more and more on etsy and I'm hoping to have time to work on a children's line of clothing, blankets, burp cloths, mobiles etc. to sell in a local baby store here in Santa Fe. My dream is make enough dough with my artwork that I'll be able to stay home with Natanya for as long as possible...

Jono is on the road this week. A mini tour in Arizona and hopefully a last hurrah/inward journey while still pre-baby independent. I too am hoping for some inward reflection and some outward FUN this week. If I can stay up past 8:00 I might even indulge in some grown up style socializing!!!

As I watch the progress of friends with children it becomes clear that each stage of parenting happens so quickly. The kids grow up so fast. I'm trying to focus on being present and focused on the NOW of it all (including every moment of pregnancy) because even these last 36 weeks seem to have evaporated. I can hardly believe that another round of birthdays have gone by and that there are graduations happening and milestones being stepped right over by legs that are no longer dimpled at the knees... jeeez louise!!!

And for now, we're over here, 36 weeks and ready. For everything.

a little happy thought while i should be working...

2010-06-08T13:45:00.002-06:00

at home in the wild
of new day air
a breaking wave still
unimagined
on the straight line of horizon

out there in the midst
where heaven touches
the soft place below your palm
where the heart beats
and the stars fall

i see something coming
the shape of wings
while i shed one skin
and climb into another
preparing for a dance
who's tempo, who's lyric
has not yet been played

we are all here
we three around a fire
the logs sing and burn
our feet on the earth
and our hearts like kites
round with the breath of life
soaring high

at home in the wild
of new day's light
a bursting forth, a birth
gathering form
against the soft line of horizon

Kerry's photos

2010-06-01T23:50:00.001-06:00

http://www.photoshelter.com/c/sherck/gallery/Maternity-Portraits/G0000nSqharoAIss/

I hope this works. if not I'll try again...

Baby Shower!

2010-05-29T07:00:00.003-06:00

*What wonderful friends I have! Kerry made and sent out 30 invitations while in the midst of moving from CT to SANTA FE! She and Larkin planned and put together a very beautiful and fairly non-traditional baby shower and about 25 of the 30 people were able to come...

*Two of those people were Ali and her son Charlie who came as a surprise at 11:30 the night before the shower from NYC AND Ali had dozens of H&H bagels shipped out here! (very funny story!)

* Kerry and Larkin made home made truffles to give people as party favors and people brought fruit salads, champagne for mimosas (sigh), there were lox and deviled eggs and cookies and other varieties of deliciousness...

*Larkin initiated a sort of blessing/wish ceremony where everyone had brought a special bead which they tied around a lavender sachet saying a wish for me as they filled the sachet and a wish for Natanya as the tied it closed with the strung bead. After the shower, I strung them all together and will hang them from the bedposts when I'm giving birth.

*Natanya received many beautiful, thoughtful gifts, all of which were things that I love! I was thinking that it's going to be a little tough for me when she's old enough to open her own presents!!!

Not only did we get practical things which we will surely need but Natanya got a few personalized art pieces for the beginnings of her art collection!

*The day was perfect. The first flowers opened up in the yard the day before. The sky was blue and everyone was happy... Not having ever had a baby shower before I didn't know what to expect but it was totally completely wonderful...

*Thank you everybody who was here for the love and gifts and kind words and wishes. And also thank you everyone who was not here who have been sending love and gifts and kind words and wishes all along!

a field of daisies

2010-05-28T23:23:00.002-06:00

all little wings

on the glass

a whisper inside me

says "welcome"

to all the world

she is the most

verdant garden

the ripest fruits

of summer's basket

she is the bird

who can carry

all your songs

she roams while I sleep

from the milky way

and back

to the path of home

all pockets full of wind

come pour yourself

within these walls

a knock at my door

is your invitation

no keys, no locks

the curtains moving.

she is the turtle

inside the hand of my heart

growing like a flower

a field of daisies

a universe of stars

she is time

all you remember

all you have forgotten

a motion

like the sea

not bound by any moon

her own tides

her own deep magic

sands of seashells

an ancient rhythm

an invitation

the color of rain

Mother's day!

2010-05-09T16:27:00.002-06:00

As I lay in bed this morning, waking up slowly, having dreamy thoughts about how it will be years before I will be able to laze in bed late having dreamy thoughts

As I listened to the sounds of Jono leaving and coming back with groceries for a spectacular french toast breakfast with fresh mango and strawberries

As I watched the sun fill up the bedroom and contemplated my life as it has been, as it is and as it will be

I realized in a flood of joy that what I have is all I've ever wanted.

I am truly happy. From the heart and the soul and from the mysterious poetry of my DNA which has sung and spun and whispered and hollered it's desires from the beginning...

When I came downstairs and saw the flowers, found the 70 degree air, was kissed and loved from the inside and the outside all at once

When I got my very first ever mother's day greetings from the world

When I looked at the computer and found mother's day stories, experiences and wishes from other mother's who I love so much

I realized in a flood of pleasure that my fortune is great to be where I am, when I am, surrounded by the very best of people, the very best of wonderful mamas & the very best of loving friends and family.

I wish the best for all of us. The sons and the daughters who become the mamas and the papas...

And I'm grateful for the help and the reminders that the ups and downs are a part of it all. (wink, wink Cami!)

opening

2010-05-09T16:04:00.002-06:00

The evening was a great success! The gallery was packed, the walls look great and the weather was perfect for courtyard music and noshing... I didn't sell anything but the prices are way high because 50% goes to the gallery. Two people (one of whom I had never met before) were moved to tears which was a home run as far as I'm concerned!

I was really nervous to the point of near hyperventilation and stomach trauma before going to the gallery but once it was all happening I was fine. I had forgotten what stage fright does to me!

Someone, I'd love to know who, was thoughtful enough not only to send flowers but to send them from Natanya. Very sweet! Thank you anonymous!!

I found a great children's store in town that sells only organic and mostly local. Once the show is over I'm going to see if they'd like to carry some of my artwork and maybe even some blanket/burp cloth/clothing items if I can accumulate enough to make a go of it...

All very inspiring and reaffirming. My studio calls....

full moon in scorpio...

2010-05-01T08:09:00.002-06:00

waking moon

you wield your light like fierce weaponry

burning down the wall

interrogating me with questions

i cannot answer

crazy making moon

i'm with you, as if in shackles

bound by tired mind

a rambling din of voices

like strings on a puppet

tethered to your swollen glow

Help me to spill

to open up into the sea of sleeping

where on other nights

you calmly watch

your soft eyes

collecting dreams

let go and move the oceans

there is time

beneath your craggy surface

take a breath

and let us rest

before the sun comes

waking moon

your perfect circle is a tunnel

beckoning

crazy making moon

show me your other hand

the one who's fingers soothe

who's palm

against my eyelids

quiets the dawn

learning new technology!

2010-04-27T19:21:00.003-06:00

Jono and I figured out how to make this very basic music video which I hope will enhance advertising for the upcoming show...

The song is the first of the picture poems that Jono put to music and I absolutely love it!

It's so much fun to be able to collaborate and I can't wait for the rest of the songs to be recorded so we can start the next phase of the project...

I've got so many ideas in my head right now that I'm almost paralyzed when it comes to starting anything but I can just feel it, the floodgates are about to explode!!!

some favorite pics

2010-04-15T21:28:00.002-06:00

The last two weeks were busy wit house guests. First, my parents came and we had a really great visit. They arrived just in time for the beginning of spring weather and we ate and shopped and did a bunch of springtime yard work... The day they left, my friend Kerry arrived. She's moving to Santa Fe and came for a whirlwind week of apartment hunting (she found a great one!) before going back to CT to pack and drive back out ... Again, a very pleasant visit with lots of eating and warm sunshine.

Another positive byproduct of having a full house was that we got some great family pictures! The oval mirror shots of me and my iphone were missing out on the bigger picture!

My father gave Annette a new camera for Christmas which she was eager to try out (especially from the grandma standpoint!!!) and Kerry, though she had to use my layman's camera takes really great photo's every time.

So here are a few of my favorites...

Here ya go Cami...

2010-03-24T21:17:00.002-06:00

5 1/2 months. A little more. This pic does my thighs and bottom a ton of justice! It's ALL getting bigger. And better! soon I'll post more project pictures (including Annie's wrapping fabric burp cloths).

So far Natanya responds to music and moves a lot when we play rock and roll. A natural response to sound but I can't help but imagine that it's in the genes! On both sides!

The house is back in order and nesting is extremely happening .

I got my drawings back from the framer and they look really good all fancied up. The show will open on May 7th and I'm so glad I was so well prepared. I didn't choose 10 images as originally planned but went ahead and got everything framed, including the images I blew up and embellished. 42 in total!

Lots of good, exciting stuff going on and and lots of wonderful support from wonderful friends...

And of course, despite the continued snow fall, SPRING is in the air.

YIPPEE.

my daughter

2010-03-19T16:01:00.004-06:00

-my daughter-

The soft beauty of a child

gathers about you

as you take her in your

arms.

Knowing the fragility of her blood

the remorseless march of her

seconds

you hold her tight, rocking to

your own inward winds of fear.

You two are one tower, one great

leaning together of stones resisting

time as best the two of you can-

A man is immortal, fearless when

He holds his daughter is

silhouetted

against the edge of the horizon,

Black shapes on grey, when he holds

her

tightly in his arms he is very

strong

*this was my christmas gift from my father in 1980. i was eight years old.

glurk

2010-03-08T21:52:00.002-07:00

It's been awhile. We started on our roof project (replacing the entire thing) and have wound up with a 1700 square foot skylight covered with plastic and an impending week of snow/rain.

When the roofers got the roof off, they discovered that the only insulation was (literally) 9.5 tons of dirt and some some pumice with various pieces of cardboard and metal trash strewn in. Three men took off all that dirt one bucket at a time as they couldn't get a vehicle close enough to the house to unload into. As bizarre as it sounds, dirt and straw used to be typical insulation for these flat roofed houses ABOUT A MILLION YEARS AGO!!!! Anyway, the tarps we attached to the ceiling inside were not sufficient for the job and the entire house is a giant dust/dirt storm... And I have a head cold/fever bug.

But fortunately we have Jono's studio which is all set up with kitchen, bedrooms and everything we need to be cozy. It's actually been really nice to be up here because Jono is working on the extremely time consuming process of mixing a record with a deadline at the end of the week. We've been able to sneak in little visits and eat meals together which definitely wouldn't have happened if I was staying in town. AND last night was the first time we could see/feel Natanya moving from the outside! It was so exciting and it was great because we were lying in bed together and so Jono got to be there too. Major magic! She then proceeded to roll around and kick about all night long...

So, all is well as long as I can keep the great things in perspective while I imagine our house rotting away under rain & snow through the haze of a gooey head and logy chills...

Natanya's books

2010-02-21T16:56:00.002-07:00

I spent the afternoon clearing a bookshelf and organizing Natanya's books from young adult to non fiction and then to fiction in descending reading levels. Even though not much nesting can happen until we get the roof replaced, it's exciting to start putting little things in order!
I've been filled with fantasies of making Halloween costumes and reading together and having dance parties in the living room... I've got plans for easels and art tables and snowmen and cooking together... I don't give much thought to tantrums or tears or exhaustion or impatience though I know those things will occur in between the fun...

I've got a shed full of teaching materials to go through when it warms up a bit. Aside from lesson plans there are puzzles and games and all kinds of treasure. It will be awhile before we get to these things I know but I've been saving it all for her and I just can hardly wait to share it...

GIRL!

2010-02-20T16:28:00.004-07:00

We went to a friend's house concert/birthday party last night. I had received an email from him earlier in the week requesting that I be one of seven people in the audience to dress up in any way but to be a "character" and show uniqueness... I of course took it on whole heartedly and spent a lot of time dreaming up the easiest way to portray springtime and got enthusiastically dressed up for the event. When we arrived, it became clear that I was the only one who was in any sort of costume. My friend said he'd forgotten to send me the memo that said he was bagging the costume idea!

That said, Jono and I had just come from having an ultra sound where we saw our baby all perfect and extremely active and beautiful... We found out that she is a she (although an ultra sound is not definitive) but I went in so convinced that she is a she that I would have been surprised otherwise.

I was so elated by the time we got to the party that I felt like the embodiment of springtime and of joy and of life and I had great fun being dressed up!
I've spent the day ogling the little blob pictures that they give you from the ultra sound images. I always wondered why my girlfriends seemed so excited about the non-descript, grainy, barely distinguishable pictures and now I know. When it's your baby, it all looks very important. The blob of pixels here shows telling genetic information and the blur of darkness there is life in motion...

It's all so vital and so essential...

My heart is expanding along with the rest of me but at a much faster rate!!!

MY SWEET VALENTINES!!!

2010-02-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

4 months!

2010-02-10T20:54:00.003-07:00

a weird, wonky week. maybe it's time for winter to be over. maybe the stars are needing a nap. maybe the mornings are aching to be a little longer and the nights want to be longer too. maybe love is storing energy for it's big day on sunday. maybe the purring and the whirling of it all just got momentarily out of whack and will have readjusted by the time we all wake up tomorrow... i just feel grateful that no amount of wonk can shake my joy these days. i am still inside the growing glow of life-ness which has the power to bring me back to bliss if i begin to stray. my thoughts are with you, those of you who have had medical emergencies this week and those of you who may have gotten pulled however subtly or dramatically into the wonkness.

Dear George,

2010-02-05T10:18:00.001-07:00

When talking about memories or perceptions of events with my father we''ll frequently discuss, debate, argue until at a certain point he'll pull out the old "Do you want to know the truth or what really happened?" It does seem that truth should be certain in the most consistent, concrete and undebatable of ways but then you throw in that wily aspect of the human heart/mind preference and truth becomes a slippery thing. There are realms of truth. The material world is more quantifiable but even there, truth is what one chooses to agree with. During the Bush years (and always in politics), we've seen first hand how if you call an apple an orange for long enough and with authority, masses will believe that an apple is an orange and start naming it so... Therein lies the power of media, cults, education....

I've been thinking a lot about Howard Zinn, a hero of mine who recently passed away. I was fortunate enough in high school to have had his book, A People's History of the United States as my history text book. He was a man who knew a completely different truth from the one that he like most were taught in school. I identified with the information he presented and incorporated it into my truth. But in America that truth is believed by a minority. How can truth be a subjective matter? If truth is subjective than it can't by definition exist. And so I refer frequently to that thing my father says to sort out the discrepancies between my mind/heart and the world around me. Do you want to know the truth or what really happened?

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY (tomorrow)

2010-01-22T17:05:00.003-07:00

Tomorrow is our 4 year anniversary and this year we have so much to celebrate! I found an amazing heart shaped rock which is really geode with twinkling crystal inside. Just like love, it can seem ordinary sometimes as the days go by but inside, there is always magic to be found...

I made a little basket for the heart love and I'm going to hang it up for a sweet surprise when Jono gets home from the studio late late late. I hope for us and for you and for the world, a year of magic and joy and also the ability to remember to look inside for hidden twinkling because it's always there...

week 13

2010-01-15T10:04:00.002-07:00

Here ya go Annie. We finally started the weekly photo for the flip book but the pics are to racy for the blogspot! And they are not professionally lit so you can see every flippin' flaw!!! That said, if the project works out, you'll receive your very own weekly photo full color, dimpled, rolly-poly, fully flawed, flip book (starting from three months) in about another 6 months. The growing belly of course will be perfection!!!

Cami, I have also seen $$ signs behind my eyeballs with regards to baby paraphernalia (my font changed, not sure why, can't stop it) and now it's back to normal (not sure why, but good) but I'm moving pretty slowly these days creatively so amassing product feels daunting. I do want to try though because it could potentially bring in some much needed dough during the non working months after the peapod is born... As an aside, I just now thought that maybe we could collaborate sometime and I could make books (albums) for your photos. That could be the deluxe package....

Off now to start my day (the outside world part).

PS- thanks all for the lovely, encouraging words!

HOMEMADE

2010-01-14T18:53:00.002-07:00

Onsies, blankets, burp cloths... I love it all! I'm going to try to sustain the homemade influence on all things, forever. Even if it becomes fewer and farther between moments when I have the time, space, energy to go full force. Besides, all the store bought things are just as adorable. So tiny it nearly drives me nuts. All those little snaps and zippers and hats the size of my nose....

I'm trying not to be a total bore with baby focus. I'm trying to have conversations with other adults that don't revert back to the state of my belly... I try to think about other things during the day and have actually succeeded for small windows of time to focus on work etc. but it's not easy! I'm going to try to blog about something totally unrelated next time. When I think of something totally unrelated you'll hear from me again...

2010-01-09T19:51:00.002-07:00

like the flower and the wind that moves the leaves

like the floating underwater with the sunlight and the shadows from the trees

like the ancient mud beneath and the breathing easily, you are everything

you are a part of me

like the flying way up high with the view of earth and sky

like the universe above and all around us

like the rise on little wings and the way it all begins to sing, you are everything

you are a mystery

like the sunset and the moon who moves the sea

like every dream and all the saints who watch with caring and who offer clarity

like the stone who stands alone for all eternity, you are everything

you are the heart of me

A quickie update...

2010-01-03T16:49:00.003-07:00

So far, based on everything I've been told, I've been blessed with a very easy first trimester. Nausea yes but only two days of real sick. Lots of tired, nearly constant happy, feeling healthy and definitely aglow! Jono and I wake up singing, dancing, loving...

I've waited so long for this. I don't really remember a time when I didn't want a baby. I remember in first or second grade when I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I said, without hesitation, "a mommy". That said, I feel like any other time than right now would have been too soon or would be too late.

We've gotten so much love in response to the news and it's fed our own enthusiasm. Thank you family and friends! Thank you.

Seventh sense sleepy rant

2009-12-06T23:16:00.003-07:00

Tonight's insomnia got me thinking (as insomnia is bound to do) about success and art and society and on and on...

I guess the most compelling thought (at least to me in the midst of sleepy-headed-ness) was that I think there should be a seventh sense; warmth. The type of warmth that only the touch of life can give. In this increasingly technological world I find myself longing for music, art, clothing, food etc. that contains some element of the warmth of life.

It seems that everything these days can be "fixed" and "polished" and "streamlined" and "perfected" with gizmos and plugins and gadgets and I miss all the little "imperfections" that to me make things FEEL real.

I love the missed brush stroke and the prize of the occasional finger moving against a steel string on a guitar. I'm not such a fan of out of tune singing but I'd much prefer every once in a while to hear a note that's a tiny bit off than to hear that other worldly tin can sound of auto tuning... I'd rather eat a carrot that's not bright orange than to taste a faint sensation of fish in a genetically modified carrot. I miss the differentness of things...

I find myself looking for "vintage" on ebay and "handmade" on etsy, but even that category "handmade" turns up pages of mass production thanks to technology that leaves me wondering what exactly "handmade" means anymore...

This year Jono and I got to see David Byrne's concert when he toured his latest record. I've never really been a big fan although I've always recognized the talent. The concert was one of the most beautiful performances I've seen in many, many years. Afterward, when we were talking about it and trying to explain why it was so moving, what it boiled down to was that it was very- human-. It wasn't about fancy light shows or techno tricks. It was a performance based on talent and it was full of the warmth of life. The dancers were more in the modern dance vain than the shooka shooka scantily clad sell it however you can vain. The musicians were all extremely talented and there was a simplicity that was honest, inviting and seemed to strive for connection rather than perfection. And it was pretty close to perfect as well!

Even hospitals and healthcare overall have paid more heed to the impersonal aspects of the industry and have infused care with technology and wellness has suffered for it. We don't have to make eye contact very often but we are very efficient. But are we?

At what cost to art, to health, to society on a whole is this missing seventh sense which we never named and always took for granted ?!

Toby and Mary

2009-12-03T19:09:00.002-07:00

I usually use that big gigantic recycled glass dish you gave me for watermelon but this year we discovered it's the perfect Thanksgiving turkey carving/serving dish. We were very thankful to have it. It made me think of you...

winter is when...

2009-12-03T18:20:00.002-07:00

winter is when we tunnel inward

looking for light in other ways

everything good is in there shining

growing, living, waiting for spring.

winter collects the dreams we nurture

keeps them in a basket of twigs

bundled up in swaths of memory

with silken ribbons and downy wings.

winter sings a solemn snowfall

with harmonies of giggling kids

starlight dances twinkling two steps

tangos, ballets, Irish jigs.

winter is when we hibernate

even when we go to town

something in us keeps itself warm

and grows in silent leaps and bounds.

winter has a gentle hand

to hush our shivers when they come

winter will pass in a single blink

the earth will flourish, new and warm.

thankful & grateful & happy!

2009-11-25T16:44:00.003-07:00

Thankful and grateful and happy for life! For the joy of small things. For good health. For big love. For the slowness of wintertime hunkering down. For the bursting forth of energy in spring. For the round hot bright sun of summer and for the deep exhale of fall...

Thankful and grateful and happy for strength! The reliability of self. The support of friends and family. The ability to support, to sustain, to carry forth whatever comes our way...

Thankful and grateful and happy for "art"! For words. For music. For images. For motion. For color and texture and taste and smell...

Thankful and grateful and happy for inspiration! However it comes. For being moved to feel, to act, to think, to imagine...

Thankful and grateful and happy for you!

Tent Rocks

2009-11-10T17:52:00.003-07:00

One more magical place on earth

where I live

can go

walk, climb up, look out across the world

and almost fly

to everywhere...

L.I.N.D.S.E.Y.

2009-10-30T19:18:00.001-06:00

Love Is Never Dormant Sweet Eternal You!!!

one day closer to spring

2009-10-28T09:18:00.004-06:00

It's happening again already. Hmmmph! Burrrrr! GGGGGGaaaaaackh.........One day closer to spring!

UNDER THE SEA

2009-10-25T20:00:00.002-06:00

In an effort to keep the blogspot going on, happenin', in & hip, I'm digging deep to find some little treats to post. These are from a series of mono prints called Under the Sea which I did as an exercise/exorcize to help me get over my intense fear of the ocean or more specifically the animals that live in the ocean. I tried to go for the sexy/beautiful aspect which is definitely a big piece of life under water but the peculiar and bizarro aspect always grabs my by the bottom of my feet and completely schkeeves me out when faced with any real life prolonged oceanic experience... I really liked the prints though and I do love the beach...

(Mac, your sting ray experience nearly destroyed me! I was deeply concerned about the whole thing but figured it was best not to throw my fears into the mix:)) I'm so glad you survived!!!!

DAY OF BOUNTY!

2009-10-25T19:02:00.002-06:00

Today I received two things

two things beautiful that make me smile just to think of them and make me so happy to have them on my body/in my home.

The first is a pendant that was made by a jeweler who's work I am always in awe of. The top is a shard found here in New Mexico at a ruin that until a few years ago was mostly unknown. The bottom is a shard from an ancient roman drain pipe found at Pompeii. Two small things picked up from the dust and now preserved with reverence. It feels like forever in both directions around my neck!

The second is a painting that was given to me by a dear friend. He is someone who's work is always unusual, even when he's painting perfectly captured landscapes... I sometimes model for him and we usually trade for artwork. This time, when he offered me One Windy Day (otherwise known to me as The Long Neck Girl) instead of a long lost commission I could not have been happier! I absolutely love it so much!!!

Jono has been wearing a pendant that another jeweler friend made and accidently left up at the studio. When Jono told him he'd left it there (Jerry) told him to wear it because it would attract prosperity and abundance. The afternoon Jono put it on he received a tax return check, we were taken out to dinner and the next day we were taken out to the movies. Today, day three, I had this incredible day of bounty...

Prosperity and abundance, We'll take it!!!!!

2009-10-22T15:03:00.000-06:00

2x2 cont.

2009-10-19T08:50:00.001-06:00

& then a couple others

2009-10-12T21:09:00.002-06:00

born from flowers

2009-10-12T20:59:00.005-06:00

could it be that we

were born from flowers

initially at least

back then when

storms were earthly showers

for roots and leaves

a drop into a puddle

into streams and lakes

a flower bending down to have a taste

the first lips, the first tongue

the first sip, the first face

then wanting more

the first arms

to bathe the first cheeks

the first breath

the first trembling of knees...

could it be that we

uncurled our leaves

initially at least

that we smiled from

the center of our petals

that we got our wings

by drinking from the sea

doughnut cake party

2009-10-11T20:27:00.002-06:00

I'm going to a "doughnut cake" party (operative syllable; nut! A first for me.

Anyhow I tried to go for full on penetration but couldn't figure out how to support the upper body in a fully edible manner so settled for this instead. Kind of busy and hard to read visually (particularly in a photo). Maybe should have gone for a chocolate doughnut bed for better contrast. But you get the idea...

Sharon's birthday

2009-10-09T19:06:00.002-06:00

The other night we went to a REALLY FUN party with delicious food, nice, happy people and almost spontaneous music (only not spontaneous because people brought instruments just in case...). This is how I fantasize my home being. Lots of creative people stopping by, always a big enough pot of food on the stove, community, music, enjoyment!

That's Sharon, sitting on her bass & tuning her mandolin. I love that image!

2009-10-09T16:48:00.000-06:00

one out of four...

2009-10-07T21:31:00.000-06:00

cami

2009-10-07T11:46:00.004-06:00

i want to make something really beautiful with these and send it to you to say thank you but in the meantime it is not because i don't think these are incredible that you haven't yet heard me say it. thinking about them fills my head at night while i think of embroidered gypsy pouches with one button on each draw string... one day i'll show you what i mean. and you really didn't have to cough up the 5 dollas!!!

ps- the pic of Finley is the best. i hadn't noticed before how the two people in the background are perfectly framed inside the diamonds of the fence. and of course, the face the smile the cookie love is simply divine! & the google eyes too...

2009-10-05T20:30:00.003-06:00

some little leafy branchy bundles

all ready for the wood stove

the winter cold

the kindling

all ready for the good heat

with a sweet treat

by the fire...

2009-10-04T21:14:00.004-06:00

trees are mostly made of air

sometimes water sometimes wood

of nests birds and flowering fruits

until the winter when they're bare

birds are mostly made of light

sometimes feather sometimes song

a morning tune a hollow bone

against the sky when they're in flight

the sky is mostly made of breath

sometimes blue sometimes gold

of inhales, exhales, lover's swoon

the rumbling thunder warmth of death

death is mostly made of dreams

sometimes nightmare sometimes sweet

from which we wake toward where we lean

collected memory falling leaves

leaves that fall are made of time

sometimes dull sometimes divine

seasons round the sea of seconds

life's most cruel and simple crime

Daily practice...

2009-10-03T13:24:00.010-06:00

I finally did it. I asked for a gallery show and I got it... MAY.

Every day I make a 2x2 drawing . Some come out good, some come out.... really RED!

By March or April I'll select ten of these little drawings to enlarge and add collage/other embellishments to. For now this is my daily practice. Inspired or not I make a 2x2 and I've found it to be very interesting. I figure that in 6 months I should be able to come up with 10 images that I like enough to work more on but I think the real project will be the 6 month diary of images. At least for me anyway! & they're really fun to do...

2009-09-30T18:31:00.000-06:00

Darling companion....

2009-09-29T23:56:00.004-06:00

Though I have not slept enough in days

and I am irritable and can be cranky too,

& even though I get bugs up my bum & have to do things right away & only my way sometimes just because maybe I'm cranky again or restless or something...

Maybe it's because I smile and laugh and always like the good fun & maybe because no matter what I always love,

Maybe that's why I don't only get a flower (which always cheers me up) but all the flowers. So I guess I should just take the chill pill and cheer up gigantic and go to bed.

The End

a slice of polenta in Torino

2009-09-22T19:40:00.003-06:00

The story goes something like this...

An architect made a bet that he could construct a three story building on an oddly shaped (triangular) and tiny piece of property. So- from the front it looks like a very small row house. From the side it looks like an average, typical building. BUT! From behind you see that the top floor is only a facade!

It is now an attraction for those in the know in Torino.

I think it's called something like; A Slice of Polenta.

*********************************************************************************

the year of the butterfly

2009-09-13T18:04:00.003-06:00

my lost breath

the tears of angels

into swamps, into bogs

yes, i have drowned that way before

and been forgiven

come to life again

the better

for it has been accepted

that the horns we grow

as easily can turn to wings

the things we harness

can be released again...

your small fingers

how they've grown

and what they hold

impact me more than even springtime

with its promise

with its bounty

with the oldest truth

whispered in its winds...

rocks & stones & artifacts

2009-09-12T08:12:00.002-06:00

Rocks & stones and artifacts...

I once heard that rock carries the history of the place of it's origin. That if you want to retain a taste of the spirit of a place it can be contained in a grain of stone as small as sand.

I've always loved rocks. To the extent that when visiting a new place I sometimes need to be reminded to look up! To the extent that when coming home from a new place or even from a walk around the corner, I frequently carry home added pounds inside my bags and pockets...

This trip provided me with a windfall of very small heart shaped stones (my very favorite. the triple win. the grand prize...) from a pebble beach in Cecina. Also the smooth black variety with perfect white lines circling them (another favorite. a Native American good luck signal) from Sardegna. A large red rock brought up from the sea by a friend who took us out on his boat one gorgeous sunny afternoon and although not exactly rock, a small shard of a ceramic drain pipe from Pompeii. Baked earth from a time and place that sings to me as if we were connected somehow...

I mostly don't remember exactly where all my rocks were found. I have quarts crystals from Russia and Culebra, smooth grey stones from Scotland, obsidian blobs and arrowheads from all around New mexico, rocks from the east coast and the west coast and from every trip I've ever taken...

And then there are the seashells and the parts of larger things. The triangular relic from when the wall was taken down in Germany that my father gave me, very small but with evidence of graffiti on it. The pottery shards I found in the back yard when I was little, playing in the mountains...

I write this because last night I had a dream that I was having a necklace made with all the favorite pieces of the collection. I was trying to design something realistic in terms of weight and size etc. I don't remember how it turned out but I remember vividly that I was covering myself with all the rocks to see how the necklace would look and feel and that it seemed very magical.

Dreams...

sensory italy (some thoughts)

2009-09-09T18:01:00.004-06:00

courmayeur is silver grey and silver blue like clouds and snow and ice cold water. peidmont is all deep purple golden green and tastes like barbera, nebbiolo. liguria is green, a dish of pesto on delicious testeroli. sardegna is the taste of salt the aqua water and the ancient tongue. & then there's down south. naples is red, dark red, sundried tomato paste black red loud hot, in motion.

when i close my eyes i can see,taste, smell and hear it all again.

Day 1

2009-08-10T05:31:00.003-06:00

Slipping in a couple of moments here at Jux Tap, a friend's club where there is internet sevice...

We both lucked out on the flight over and wound up with three seats in a row all to ourselves.

Arrived in Milan fairly groggy and took the train to the center where we picked up our car from Kia. Then off to a friends house where we were given a delicious lunch and a 6 day old baby boy to hold. HEAVENLY!

We then drove to Sarzana, one of my favorite little towns and are staying with friends who took us out for a very lavish and wonderful dinner. Wait until I can post some photo's. It's so lovely here...

& Now off to our friend Mamo's for an afternoon on a boat in the sea!

Here is a whole new life

brewing in my soul...

i will wade out

2009-08-04T20:57:00.002-06:00

i will wade out

e.e. cummings

i will wade out

till my thighs are steeped in burning flowers

i will take the sun in my mouth

and leap into the ripe air

alive

with closed eyes

to dash against darkness

in the sleeping curves of my body

shall enter fingers of smooth mastery

with chasteness of sea-girls

will i complete the mystery

of my flesh

i will rise

after a thousand years

lipping

flowers

and set my teeth in the silver of the moon

ready already to go!!!!

2009-08-03T18:13:00.004-06:00

*note the extra batteries for the camera and the very civilized suitcase size!
WE'RE GETTING READY TO GO TO ITALY FOR A WHOLE MONTH! I'M SO EXCITED THAT I'VE BEEN PACKED FOR TWO DAYS NOW AND WE'RE NOT LEAVING UNTIL SATURDAY MORNING. IT FEELS LIKE BEING LITTLE AND WAITING FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY OR FOR MORNING TIME ON CHRISTMAS EVE...

2009-08-03T17:39:00.002-06:00

you are the morning. a little sweeter than the dawn. lovely only. as gorgeous as the saddest song. my heaven wraps it's winged and soaring arms around the part of you that feels mistaken. to find the deepest place where pain has taken you. where you have felt forsaken.

and in the dimming light i see you through an open window. though you only feel the wind shift in the dark of night.

you are like raindrops. glistening out on the lawn. until the sun comes out again. then you are gone.

but while you're there. all undone and blinking back the dew. i'll wrap my winged and soaring arms around you. the saddest song will see you through...

summer hail storm

2009-07-30T18:53:00.006-06:00

This was the most incredible hail storm I've ever experienced! It came out of the blue (literally) and came down so heavy, hard and loud it was like being on another planet. Everything got dark and cold and deafening (especially the hail balls hitting the skylights!). After about 15 minutes it stopped as suddenly as it had come and water poured in gushes from the gutters all around the house. Leaves and fruit were shredded off the trees creating a blanket of green on white on dirt... The last picture is the path outside our back door. Our short cut to the main road nearby. It was flooded and rushing like a river...

It was definitely the kind of storm that stops anything and everything else from seeming relevant. Quite dramatic. Quite exciting. Quite odd! I have to admit that alongside the awe, I started to get a little bit freaked out!

And then the sun came out again and the sky was blue and if there weren't all the evidence of destruction, it would have been impossible to believe the storm had actually occurred.

fly away home...

2009-07-29T18:58:00.002-06:00

I can't believe how quickly they grow up, spread their wings and fly away. I came home from work and the three peepers seem to be gone. I did get to see the first wobbily flight of the biggest one a couple of days ago which was heart wrenching in both a good and a bad way and now I feel much the same. Bitter-sweet bye-bye baby!

2009-07-25T08:28:00.005-06:00

The ghost of her

was always present

taking notes for the future.

little red box

2009-07-22T17:53:00.006-06:00

my joy is a little red box

with nothing inside that lasts

it fills and empties

it gets accidently run through the wash

and comes out soggy

in the pocket of my favorite jeans.

my joy has a handful of sugar

and a handful of salt

when you wave at me

one hand opens

spreading grains into the wind

it finds its way to the garden

it finds its way to the table

when i laugh one palm is ready

when i cry the other palm contains.

my joy has wings and can breath under water

especially when i'm sleeping

and when i dance

sometimes it flops around on dry land

gasping and choking on air

sometimes it lands with a thud after take off

mostly though it swims and soars like nothing

but bright light on a smooth lake.

my joy is a little red box

always filled with maybe

it swells and recedes

breaking boundaries

that i don't see

in the stairways of days

going upward towards the attic of night.